The SLOG of Joy

Grumble. Growl. Grunt.

.   Swear. Sweat. Stomp.

. Punch. Pound. Pant.

.  Breathe. Binge. Boss.

.  Shout. Scream, Smear.

.  Fall in a heap, exhausted. Then get up, clean up, and do it all over again.

.  There is joy in this. This “living” we do. No matter how sweaty, or dirty, or ugly, this “living” is a beautiful thing.

.   There is no ‘give up’ here, no ‘quit’ , no ‘over it, no ‘packing it in’.

This is where every. breath. matters.

.    DO YOU HEAR ME?

EVERY BREATH MATTERS.

Right now, in my little trailer in the middle of down, down, way down and out USA, I am deciding to care. I am deciding that my sufferings will amount to something, that all this silence and fear and worry  in my heart will be done away with, that with this breath of life my Creator blessed me with will be used to help someone else live, too.

.  I know I’m a rag-tag mess. I can’t think straight most of the time, and there are days I can’t leave my house. I am oppressed by an illness that tells me I don’t have it, and that feeling like I’m sick is a sin. I’m not exhausted, it tells me, I’m lazy. I’m not in excruciating pain, I’m a dope seeker. I was not abused, assaulted and raped, I was promiscuous.

.  I am here, I am now, and with my God’s help, I will reach out to someone else. And with my God’s help, I will not believe the lies. Instead I believe the Bible, God’s own letter to me, and to all his children. I want to live.

A Psalm of My Own

Written after Fighting With Myself All NightWIN_20200720_06_43_02_Pro_LI (3)

.           Jehovah knows my suffering, hears my pleas each day

.          He knows the pain this madness brings, knows I’m made of clay

.          I thought I’d be forsaken, and all my hope was lost

.          I struggled to awaken, eternal darkness was the cost

.          But my God cares for me, He hears my cries and screams

.          He pulls me out of raging seas, makes pleasant peaceful dreams

.          How can I show my thankfulness, show Him my endless love?

.          I’ll walk with Him in faithfulness, Praise God in Heights above!

.          I will love my God whole-souled, pray, meditate and preach

.          No matter how lame, tired, sick or old, new sheep I will love and teach!

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Big Sky.(not my photo)

The Zing of Kebraland: 39 Steps (con’t)

(we come back to see Princess Alzira still bound in the bottom of a large well)

.        “Alzira…Alziiiiiiira…..Princessss….”

A faint lyrical voice was calling, calling this strange yet beautiful name: Alzira. Princess Alzira… Why did it seem like the voice was calling me? In this dream was I a princess?  Was the Alzira they were calling?”

” HEY GOOFY! WAKE UP BEFORE THEY KILL YOU!!”

.  That did the trick! My eyes snapped open, angrily!

“Was that YOU Tiny?”I grumbled, “You ruined a perfectly good dream! I was a Beautiful Zebra princess, wearing a purple cloak-with a CROWN!!! A CROWN!!!! I had a lovely name too, Albira? Almima?  Jemima-no, no….”

“Listen Goofy, and be quiet, would you please? Now is not the time for dreams…you are in DANGER!!”

.  “What are you talking about?” I tried to get up but realized I was bound leg and leg, and leg and leg. It all rushed in on me; “THE MICE!! Those awful MICE!!! 

Now I whispered, “Where are they Tiny? Did you eat them? Can you cut these ropes?”

.  “Whoa, whoa now, big filly! One thing at a time… The Men of Mice can’t Hurt you… They are Mice, after all.”

.  ” But they have tools , and ropes , and there are soooo many!” 

.  ” Goofy… I mean Princess Alzira…”

.  “So, that is my name? I am a princess?” I tried not to be gabberflasted, I mean flabbergasted, but thwais was monumental news. I was having a hard time whispering, I really wanted to shout, to scream, to run away! “Please Tiny, untie me, help me climb out of here. I feel like I’m going mad…who am I?  Is this why the Zing sent me. Am I the Great Zing’s daughter!?  Please say that isn’t so…he’s so, so goofy!”

” He definitely is that! No, he is your Uncle. Uncle Dweeble. And he is not the true king. Your Father, Zad the Zadmirable is the real Zing of Kebraland! And your dear Mummy, she is Zolla the Zootiful, the Queen by his side. Your blood is as blue as the the water of the Great River that flows thru the zenter of Kebraland. Oh, boy, now you’ve got me talking funny…Well, there you have it, Princess, proof positive. Now I can untie you. I didn’t want you to hurt me when you were told… ”

.  ” I’m still going to Hurt you…now can you please untie me? I have to get out of here and get to the abyss!!! We only have 50 days left!!”

.  ” Yes, Your Highness… ”

.  With that the ropes seemed to evaporate, and I tried to leap to my feet like the great Personage that I was! Aaaannnd, I teetered, and I tottered…..and I crumbled in a heap!

. “HA!! That was funny!!!!”

.  I whipped my head around, flinging Tiny off head over tailfeathers, and seeing now the top dog of the Mice!!! He was bigger than his comrades , by about a pound, looking much more like a rabid hamster in a fat suit, than a mouse. And rather than a toolbelt He was wearing a holster with what looked like a tiny Colt of pure silver.

.  ” Tiny! What do I do now? ”

.   ” Find your Sea Legs and Climb!!! CLIMB PRINCESS, CLIMB THE STEPS!!!” 

.  Tiny was flying in a rage, all around the head of the Bloated Hamster, ruining his aim…

I again leapt to my feet, steadier now, and began running in circles looking for a hoof hold…Steps! Tiny said steps!!! And there they were, but they were so little! I had to try, so I kept saying over and over, “I AM A PRINCESS, I AM A PRINCESS (step 1 thru four zipped by…) I AM A PRINCESS! (8 thru 12 now gone) I AM A PRINCESS!! (now steps were passing in a blur..) PRINCESS! PRINCESS!! PRINCESS!!! (the light was now streaming into the shaft!) P-R-I-N-CESSSSSS!!!!

.   As I took the 39th Step I burst out of the well with Tiny riding triumphantly on my head with wings in the air, in a big WOOOOSH of wind and feathers!!

brown rock formation
Photo by Marco on Pexels.com

. My hooves hit the dirt and away we dashed, me galloping, faster than ever before, my hooves barely touching the earth, my thoughts only on saving Mom and Dad, and the beautiful Zingdom of Kebraland!!!

.   (hold your breath for the next installment, coming soon!! )

 

 

.                                      c. The Great Zing of Kebraland, by Susan T. Martin

 

Okee Dokee Then…

It has been AGES since I have been here, it seems that when I am on fire with my visual art , my written art suffers. Time is a factor, when I have 5 projects going at once, the voices in my head are rather subdued, because all the poetry is oozing out of my fingertips onto canvas, paper, metal, wood and wall. As has been the way this past year, with some success…

I had hoped top be able to exist on my earnings from my visual art, and while I am not there yet, I am making a dent. I have had one of my paintings put in a permanent collection, I have been highlighted with my artwork in a video for the nearby Mental Health Facility! Woohoo! I find that very satisfying and amusing all at the same time! I should have demanded money, but they didn’t offer, so I used it as a photo op. I gifted them the painting you see here, although I still have it here at the house , because I wasn’t satisfied with it… (never am, you know). I will have to take it in soon, to keep my word… and I need to see my wonderful therapist because memories are pushing their nasty little heads into my reality…

It’s the “holidays”… The time of memories… poo poo, bluck, bluck…. memories have too much power over me, so I guess I just stuff them. Me, the one always saying that “you have to let it out!” I let it out too much, which gave too many people too much power over me, too many ways to rattle my chain. I have been solitary, and sequestered here, and while it may be a little too much solitude I am glad to have my space. True, my sleeping habits could use improvement, but then I am a work in progress…

Just for today I don’t have to mourn. I can just be ok.

Burning Desire..Really burning….

I am fighting right now, and you already know what is after me…negativity. Depression. Self Pity. Pain. Sadness…boo, boo, bad, hiss, grrr, mumble, mumble…SIGH…

I have been feeling worse than usual in my physical self, heavy, cumbersome(love that word), out of breath, and oh! SO SLEEPY.

Mentally? Running With Scissors!!!! WHEEEEE!!! Paint, Paint, draw, sculpt, glue, spray…UH, WAIT.

Did you say SPRAY? As in SPRAY PAINT?!?

Yea, I did. What about it?

And you said GLUE? AS IN SUPER GLUE? AND CONSTRUCTION GLUE?

Uh, yea. What’s the big deal? I use my mask all the ti…oh. OH…OH, now I understand. I got up sicker today, and wheezing, and groggy, with a blazing headache… And I didn’t put my respirator on when I sprayed that wall hanging last night… it was just going to be a couple seconds…the mask was inside…just a couple steps away,, but I was LAZY. AND FOOLISH. AND NOW MY LUNGS ARE SCREAMING. only I can’t hear them cause I CANT BREATHE!!!!

I made it to my standing Doc Appointment 5 minutes after I got out of bed. I mean, my hair already sticks up, but I seriously looked like Einstein.

I told her I thought maybe I had Pneumonia, pressure in my head, chest, headache, weary etc… And being the Real Physician she is (i don’t know why I said “Real”, too much news) she listened to my lungs.

Wow. I did not need a stethescope…The Rice Krispie Trio was playing a tune in my lungs. Holy smoker, who quit 20 years ago! No, I thought, not me!

Which is a rediculous thought, I have known for a couple years now that my lungs are failing. How did I know this? Well, it seems that I used CONSTRUCTION ADHESIVES to build an assemblage a few years ago… The year I had a Pulmonary Embolism from laying around too much after the 3 surgeries I had, the year I fell 4 times due to vertigo..etc etc… Oh . here is te health litany.. STOP.

The point is that I ALREADY have the knowledge of what NOT TO DO if I want to stay healthy. I already have KNOWLEDGE that I damaged my lungs and body severely with my lifestyle in the past, and I KNOW what to do to help myself.

The REALLY SAD THING is that I lost my Burning Desire to be my best me, my healthy me, the BEST Version of myself that I can give to my Creator in Thanks.

I lost my FOCUS, and I let the bad ways back in for a minute, the way of shortcuts, laziness, seeking material weaBEAUTIFULlth, and I cheated myself of some breaths of life again. And I didn’t even light a match…

When the Doc said she would let me try to change some of my test numbers without meds, I really let myself down, because I opted for the meds. I told her I just DID NOT HAVE IT IN ME TO MAKE THAT MUCH OF AN EFFORT RIGHT NOW.

….. um…WHAAAAT!!!??????

I even felt sick as it was coming out of my head into my voice box…DONT HAVE IT IN ME…TOO MUCH EFFORT…why dont you just puke and fall over in it?

I felt shame, burning shame, not burning desire. That I did not feel I am worth the effort. That Jehovah created this wonderful human being of ME, and I “don’t have it in me to make that much effort right now? What an insult to my loving God, who sent His Beautiful, PERFECT and BELOVED SON, Jesus Christ to die for me. This same me that I couldn’t muster the will to TRY to save. Oh, for shame, susan.

I tried to backtrack as soon as it was uttered, claiming that I just feel so sick that everything is extra hard right now…I haven’t slept, you know…

NO! I WILL NOT LET MYSELF DOWN LIKE THIS.

Nor will I INSULT my GRAND CREATOR, SOVEREIGN of the UNIVERSE, JAH!!

I WILL BE ON FIRE WITH DESIRE starting THIS VERY MOMENT!!!

BREATHE, GIRL, BREATHE!!!

RUN WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! WE MUST FINISH THIS RACE!!!! YEEHAW!

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“The Sentinel’s Prayer”, acrylic on canvas, Susan T. Martin2017

The Wind Blows into The Gutter!

Stay tuned, big things to come! I am merging my 2 journal blogs into one, here under THE WIND, and yes, this is Susan T. from Out Of The Gutter Art! If you were enjoying my journey on my sister blog, you may enjoy some of my earlier posts, as this is my FIRST blog ever!

I am moving upward and onward in my artistic life, as in my spiritual life, so to keep my work apart where potential patrons and clients can view it without my personal life intervening, I am revamping “Out of the Gutter Art” . The Artist Portfolio is entitled Susan*T*Martin, The Artfull Mind.

I am glad to have you as a visitor to either site, and I hope I can impart a spot of sunlight into your life!

Thank You for Following!

(See you in the Funny Papers!)

Susan T. Martin

KODAK Digital Still Camera     #outofthegutterart

It Has Been a Long ,Long, Lonely, Lonely,Lonely…..Time!

I didn’t even know if my Blog, The Wind, was still here, clinging to life! I am so glad that it is, even though I have been concentrating on my visually creative outlets, rather than the written word. I need this blog. I really need this blog to help me set my troubled mind free again.

Sure, my physical Art, is taking me in Wild and Wonderful new directions, helping me gain confidence with every stoke of the brush of bit of glue. But the musings, the prose , the beauty of the written word, the NEED to express… this is also a nessessity for me.

On another, totally unrelated note: I just purchased 2 new pairs of glasses and they are giving be a blinding headache, the ear piecs are so tight! It feels like somone is turning the handle on a huge vise attached right behind my ears! AAaaargh!

So, coming back to my Windy Blog, I will be coming back to write again, to share again, to tell you tall tales of wit and ingenuity! And insanity! Joy and Life!! and really uncomfortable new glasses!

Check me out now and then, and visit my “sister” blog “Out of The Gutter Art” here on WordPress!

Sincerely, Me!

How Do I Do? a poem of sorts

I am totally mixed up- headed for a crash

all I have created- right into the trash.

where will I be when the smoke clears?

who will I be when the time nears?

I hear voices all the time now’

can no longer recall which one is mine,

I mean to call or drop a line now,

but I’m tied up all the time.

tied up, mixed up, mixed nuts, fixed up

tied down, home bound, not found

under ground.

is this what happens when the party ends?

the high, high rises,

the good, good friends?

see all the bottles, empty and broken

just like myself, the one i put hope in…

shall i sneak away, slink around?

put all the colors away for a year-

maybe two…

or should I Shout-Carry Out!

Do All I know I can do!!

yes ma’am-that’s me!

the New-How-Do-You-Do-Sue!!

Been Away, a poem by Susan T. Martin

   all the fear, for all those years

spent broken, spent frightened

spent.

awake now, knowing how

feel inside, heal outside

heal.

would you know? how could you know

never told you, afraid to hold you

afraid.

perfect plans laid, got the debt paid

freedom? slavery?

freedom.

traveled long way, got back today

missed home, missed you

you.

welcome my friend-did the pain end?

cutting outside, dying inside

dying.

spent.

heal.

afraid.

freedom.

you.

freedom.

you.

a poem by Susan T. Martin, 7/1/15

Dream River by S.T. Martin

Sadness and Joy, Freedom and Pain.

intertwined, flow through my heart,

 

changing as the seconds pass.

My being feels the pain of a tree

 

when a leaf is torn too early,

or a raindrop fails to fall

.

The river cries out in my dreams:

poison steals her breath,

 

algae silences grouper screams,

dying a man-made death.

 

my hands are filled with blood, O God!

my heart with the wretched guilt,

 

as a human on this dying Earth

covered in muck and silt.

 

How do I clean the land and sea-

how do I clean my heart?

 

how do I teach my fellow man

to do as mankind ought?

 

my skin hurts to see the sadness

etched on all survivors

 

of quake and fire, landslide mire,

the rush of rising waters

 

find safe haven, oh my dears,

run for the horizon

 

the war is inching ever near,

the flames are rising higher

 

my faith kicks in and the rain begins

to ease my hopeless outlook,

 

fire is quenched by His waters of life

flowing down from His lofty throne

 

i realize now it is His fight,

and He will win it alone

 

I must stand by with eyes of faith

see our grand salvation

 

He will stop the killers

of our garden home

 

saving Earth, saving man-

left to live His perfect plan

 

a paradise for all of us

happy man, happy animals

 

soon the real life will begin

only love is needed.

 

Peaceful dreams come-

i laugh at troubles,

 

starlight shines on clear waters.

morning light flows through blinds,

 

mess head pokes from yellow covers

my fears float away in bubbles.

 

with the dawn my body lives,

your embrace, my mind expands.

 

my thirst is quenched in kisses,

and the air tastes like dreamsicles.

 

1st revision of 1st draft,

Dream River

Artwork and Pictures 058 Artwork etc. 125 by S.T. Martin, c. may 4 ,2015