Full Heart

Will humans today heed the warning? In these times of pain and mourning ?

Strange Days, and Stranger still;

.   Not understanding, but they will

.   They took no note, then came the Flood

.  They should have listened to their God

.  There was warning (plenty of)

.  They were busy faking love,

.  Buying, selling, busy still

.  Too wrapped up to do God’s Will.

.   Will humans today heed the warning,

.   In these times of pain and mourning?

.  Will they care when they see the dead,

.  Or by Satan will they be bled?

.  Wishing, crying reaching out

.  To the God they chose to doubt.

.  His Son will hear righteous decree,

.  The wicked screaming, ‘Woe is me!”

.  Jesus on his reaping ride,

.  the pure White Horse he sits astride,

.  neighs and snorts as good sword falls-

.  More horse and riders hear the call:

.  Here comes Red Horse, red as blood

.  The war machine now chews it’s cud!

.  Rider holding scales on Black,

.  People plead for food they lack.

.  As starvation sweeps the land

.  Death, on Pale Horse, heeds command

.  “Kill with pestilence and plague

. ” Because behind you comes the Grave!”

.   Death is swift-none will be saved

.  Whose works are vile and depraved.

.  They will run, try to hide,

.  But naught stem the global tide,

.   Except for those who have God’s name

.  And to their neighbors His Will proclaim!

.   Who turn away from hate and rage,

.   Believe Christ Ransom-turn the page.

.  They delve deep into Jah’s word,

.  Learn what apostles saw and heard,

.  They shout a public declaration

.  And proclaim their dedication!

.  They trust all their God has said,

.  With loyal love-with bowed head,

.  “Sovereign God of all creation,

.  We will be your holy nation.

.  We will obey our King, your Son!”

.  Now “The Real Life” has begun!

.                                 a poem of sorts and a song of praise and warning.

 

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Oh Happy Day!

I am happy to say, I was able to get back into my blogs here at WordPress, after a lengthy absence. I was unable to remember my sign in information for the longest time, but finally I was able to get back here!!! My sister blog, Out of the Gutter Art, has been languishing also, even tho’ I have been furiously creating beautiful “Outsider” Art this whole time.

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“The Sentinel’s Prayer”, acrylic on canvas, Susan T. Martin2017

I have had many upheavals ans bumps in the road as far as my emotional well being is concerned, but with the help of God, the Ultimate Therapist, and my human therapist (who is stellar!) I have come through victorious! The triggers were many, as this is the month my Parents died, and it also houses both mine and my Mom’s birthdays. I am a JW now, so I don’t celebrate my birthday, but it still holds significance in my heart, a marking of the passage of this fragile life.

Now my associations to birthdays is a very negative one, as my Mom died on her birthday, March 21, which also heralds the first day of Spring. Also my Dad was well into the dying process at home with only me there beside him on my birthday 2 years ago. That was a horrible, horrible time, as he suffered much. In the days that seemed to drag on forever, I remember at one point whispering to him “please don’t die on my birthday Daddy…” This sounds to me now like a rather heartless and self centered request, but he understood my trauma, I believe, even in the midst of his own, and did not. Rather, he fought his last fight during the wee hours of the next morning, finally succumbing at 6:15 the next morning. What a long, dark night that was.Picture 012

I am finally not grieving the devastating sword thru my middle grief this year, but I anticipated the day with much apprehension and mental nail biting, as well as obsessive compulsive behavior, manic activity and lack of sleep. I am still feeling the effects, and most likely will have them build to a crescendo as March 21st approaches. Mom died in a less dramatic, but equally disturbing way, having to be taken to Hospice House rather than dying at home as she so desired, surrounded by her kitties. I have imprinted on my brain her sitting in her bed like a deflated teddy bear, whose sad eyes cut right thru me as she said, “Susie, I’m not ready…” However the cancer was by this point ravaging her brain, and I could not physically care for her at home.

playing around 094
here I am after Mom had died, well into my Dad’s last years of Severe Dementia and Alzheimer’s. I was his, and Mom’s sole caregiver.

I had a fourteen day vigil beside her bed, singing, praying , reading the Bible to her and holding her hand. Finally at the point of total exhaustion and grief, I fell asleep beside her, and as I dreamed of happier times, she breathed her last. Ours was a bond stronger than death, and I so eagerly anticipate the day when they are  both called out of the memorial tombs in the grand resurrection , when I will run into their arms again.

This hope is made even more sure this month as  millions of humans around the globe, and me fulfill our obligation to mark the Memorial of Jesus Christ’ death, just as he commanded us to do at the last supper. On this occasion, just hours before his death, be broke bread an drank wine with his apostles, saying, “Keep doing this in remembrance of me.”

I praise Jehovah above for the undeserved kindness He has shown by providing the life of His perfect Son as a ransom for the sins of all mankind. By this loving act, every human on earth has the chance for living forever, without sickness, mourning, pain or death on a beautifully restored Earth. I raise my hands and my voice in praise to God, and thank him for his Son, My King and Savior, Jesus Christ!Picture 018

You can join the Witnesses all around the earth at sundown on March 31st , 2018 as we join in remembering the Greatest Gift Ever given. You can ask any of Jehovah’s Witnesses for an invitation, or directions, or any other questions you may have and they will joyfully tell you. Also, the website jw.org will tell you what you need to know!

So, despite all my challenges, and mental health issues, I can take comfort that one day soon I will be reunited with all my loved ones. I also am so grateful to God for forgiving my multitude of sins by way of the ransom sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I hope someone else out there

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can find this comfort also!!!

Coming Down!!

This is the part that hurts. Feeling a vague feeling of guilt, knowing that this ebbing manic period has left devastation in my life again, not sure yet what it is. I feel like I’m coming down from a drinking/drugging binge, coming out of a blackout. Sick and hurting, depressed and angry at myself.

I had a sneaking suspicion, the last few days, that my bank account was in crisis, but in my addict’s brain I refused to check the balance, forging ahead with my spending. My head has cleared enough today to check the balance, and of course I am overdrawn. I knew I needed to have enough left to pay for framing for my new paintings, that is impossible now. Oh my….sigh…

Bipolar Disorder is a terrible illness, and I long for the day when all humankind will be relieved of the suffering we now endure. My faith is strong, my hope is sure, because I know that Jehovah can not lie, all His promises come true. I must hang of tightly to this knowledge so that I do not become immobilized with fear and guilt, falling into Satan’s trap of discouragement, and of the hopelessness he wants us all to feel. Hopelessness and despair can snuff me out like a windswept candle flame. ” Poof, she was gone! “, like the line in an old Hee-Haw song.

When I was still in active addiction, I would have to look at the clothes in my hamper to figure out what I had done the night, or weekend before. Seeing the outfit, picturing myself in it, and perhaps finding a pack of matches with a bar logo in the pant’s pocket, helped me figure out where I had  crashed and burned. The memories were like glimpses in a shattered mirror.

Now days that tactic doesn’t work too well, so I have to get up looking for food wrappers to see if I binged on chocolate, or paint on my clothing if I was up at 4 am creating a masterpiece. Oh, and I find crumpled up receipts and refuse to unfurl them, in the likely event they harbor some bad, bad spending. Ooohhh. Sends chills up my spine. I think I have come out of this manic phase relatively unscathed, I was able to straighten out the mess at the bank and I finally slept a real sleep of 4 hours last night. And I finally stopped repainting my latest oil painting, and put it under a fan to dry for the next show.

I have been beseeching my God to help me calm my burning mind, soothe the racing thoughts and awful images, and He does, Jehovah is the Great Therapist, and He leads me into quiet, safe places in my mind where I can heal. When I pray for His Holy Spirit he gives it freely to help me worship and serve Him, helping me to endure through these difficult times. And Jehovah welcomes everyone to take advantage of His assistance, He does not wish for anyone to die, that is why he gave the greatest sacrifice ever given: His perfect, only-begotten Son, Jesus Christ.

I just found out that one of my JW friends has lost a daughter in death, I am so grateful that God already has a ressurection planned for all of us, He promises that we will see our dead loved ones again. I will pray for the family tonight.

Thank you for listening tonight. Keep looking to the Bible for answers in your life! In it you will find peace and love.

Goodnight!

I am the cutest puppy in the world!!!
I am the cutest puppy in the world!!!

Dreaming Awake

Follow the bouncing Kiko! Boing! Boing…Boing!!! Boooinnng! Isn’t boing a funny word? I guess it is a made-up, sounds-like-what-it-means word. You can say it like a spring coming unsprung, or like a superball bouncing off walls, flying everywhere!

Both of those ways of saying it would be very appropriate here, for I am just the bare trunk of a shaky little tree, with my leaves flying all asunder. There is a current running through me that threatens to burst me open like a melon, splatting the walls with bright pink melon-y Kiko innards.

No, thank you for asking, I am not doing well. To look at me, you may think I have a bit of a wide eyed stare, but inside this head it feels like one of those bullet trains will suddenly shoot out of my forehead.( Cue bullet train rushing past soundtrack…)

I haven’t slept for about four consecutive nights, and for me, not sleeping means zero hours of shut-eye. A good night is when I can string together at least 2 two hour segments of lying still in a row. That is becoming a fast fading memory, so I hope this Manic cycle eases soon. The last time it was this bad I had to go to the ER, begging for relief. I think they were going to break out the restraints then, so that is not an option now with Dad in the shape he is.

No, I must keep my “stuff” together somehow. I ran out of Trazodone last night, I have not been taking care of my responsibility toward myself by checking my medicine bottle levels. If you are someone new to taking Anti-depressant or anti-psychotics then let me suggest that you NEVER let yourself run out of meds. I have been under psychiatric supervision for 13 years now, and it has taken me about 10 of those years to take responsibility for my own medicine. It is my job to make sure I don’t endanger myself or those around me, so it is a life saving job for me. My life is in my hands, so running out of Trazodone was “a very bad thing, Kiko!”

I sleep walked around the house all night last night, found myself in the kitchen, in the den, in the hallway, sitting in a chair, leaning against the wall and finally laying on the bedroom floor. I don’t think I went outside, or ate anything- didn’t find any evidence. I fell asleep with my head in a bowl of chocolate ice cream once- when I woke up I thought I had been bludgeoned in my bed- the bowl was stuck to the side of my head like some gross swelling, and the dried ice cream on the sheets and pillows was exactly the rust brown shade of dried blood! Quit laughing! I’m serious!!

Anyway, that as because I was blind drunk, not because I was out of meds.

so, I made myself go get my meds at 7 this morning, in my pajamas. They aren’t really pajamas, they are a mildew spotted pair of yellow green yoga pants the color of puke, and a grey t-shirt that you can see through it is so threadbare. I came home and took a quarter of a tablet to get it into me asap, and then I proceeded to crash out for an hour.

This was the way the day went: make Dad’s breakfast, lay down on the couch. feed the cats, lay down on the couch. feed the dogs, lay down on my bed. Feed the birds, lay down in my recliner. Feed dad lunch, lay down in front of television. try to eat, fall onto couch again…

You get the idea. Somehow the hours have past and I am somewhat recovered. I wanted to post something so you all know I am still kicking, and I am praying with all my might for all of us. (Me and my other personalities…) Ha,ha! No, really, I know that with God’s help I will endure.

May Jehovah’s Will be Done! Then one day, none of us will ever suffer from any kind of sickness.

I am dreaming of that day.

Dreaming Awake.