I am feeling a bit more positive than I was in this morning’s post, Dad got up for a while around 2pm, I laid on the couch dozing on and off, keeping my eyes and ears on alert. He fell on Wednesday, big gash on his head, poor Pops.

It happened while his caregiver was here, she called me saying there has been an accident. I believe the first thing you should tell a loved one is that the patient is OK before you dump the accident stuff on them. It keeps from shaving a couple years off their lifespan, because, as a family member, your heart just falls out of your chest when you hear,

” Hello, Ms. Kiko? There has been a terrible accident…”

What is the first thing you think of? Yup, I thought so: That he is dead or maimed or otherwise terribly injured.

So, I had been dropping off a painting at the Art Gallery, so I raced the 10 miles to the hospital in rush hour traffic, all the while telling myself that, as a law abiding Christian, I should be setting a good example and pleasing God by obeying the speed limit. I really tried, and I do always try, but that is a difficult task when your Dad is lying helpless and afraid in an Emergency Room.

I hit the Hospital doors at a trot, had my ID already in hand to be checked in, and rushed down the hall to his bedside, ready to find him at death’s door.

Of course, the scene that greeted me was quite different!

“Hiya there! Where have you been?”, he laughs with a big smile.

He smiles his most charming at the cute little nurse who is taking his blood pressure.

“Are you Ok, Dad? I heard you had a bad fall!”

He looks at me quizically, “Did I?”

I could just pinch him, but he looks so little and frail in the big hospital bed, so I kiss him on the cheek instead. Now I can see the big gash on his scalp, and blood all over the pillow. Oh, my, I think, here we go again. I just cannot bear him spending any time in this hospital, this is the place where he fell twice in May, the place that caused him so much anguish mentally, the hospital that hastened his Alzheimer’s Disease and broke his spirit, and the place where I had to face the reality of my losing him. Imminent. On the Horizon.

I hate that hospital. I told Dad’s doctor that I am trying to sue them for what they had done to him, and the doctor brings me back to reality: I am going to do whatever is necessary to get your Dad better from this fall…

Now I feel like a real heel, like that wasn’t what I wanted too?

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs:





TO BE LEFT HERE all alone.

But, I did not say anything except , Ok. Thank You.

Now you understand a little more why I am so tired today, this month, this year.

Each day that goes by I feel a little more dead myself,

all tied up in my solitary cell, watching my life pass by.

I know deep inside that I want to do this, and I want to be with Daddy till the end. I just get so lonely at times. But I don’t mean to sound bitter. I am grateful for everyday I have. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight. It will get better- I promise!

I will place my burdens on Jehovah tonight, He will hear my cries for help. I will pray in Jesus dear name, and Jehovah will breath new endurance into me.

His promises will all come true.Picture 731

Whispers from a Distant Past

The receptionist wasn’t fired! I feel so much better now!!

I made it to the appt. I had at noon today at the Mental Health Facility.( I will make an effort not to berate myself or others with mental health issues by calling the place by derogatory names. So, I will abbreviate it to M.H.F.) I was there to see my new therapist, to replace the one who left last year w/out saying bye. I wound up taking Father along, the caregiver was off this morning. I didn’t know how this would pan out, I figured he would probably sit in the car, and I would pop in his Carpenter’s Greatest Hits tape, which he adores.

I was heroic in getting to the MHF on time, and when I saw my new lady, I was pleased. She looked nice enough, maybe I could open up to her. We got through the introductions, and then the meat of the evaluation began. And the memories came, great shovels full as if one of the snow plows up north were dumping the past on top of me. I was buried in the chair.

The drugs, rapes, fighting, crimes and all the other dirty little secrets came out for her to document. See, she had my file, so she already knew. But she wanted to hear me SAY it. And it was vile. The flashing image of sitting wide eyed in a crack house for days, heart ready to burst from the coke. The other images, the ones I can’t speak of, all painted in blood red on the walls of my mind. Sad memories. Sad…

But I am here, and I am going to get through this, without the ship capsizing, this time. When I finished with the gory then, I was SO proud to tell her about the glorious NOW!! Fifteen SOLID years clean and sober! A woman of courage now, full of zeal, wanting to tell my fellow humans that there is a way out of that terrible life, a way out of that pit. I suddenly remembered, while I was nailed to my chair, that I have made huge strides with the help of my God and friends. Strides away from morally degrading things, like blackouts and regret for my actions. The changes God has helped me make with my uncontrolled hate and anger- to a point where I have gently cared for my Dad with his FRUSTRATING illness for years, without hitting walls or breaking dishes. I can’t believe I can say this, but I am a clean and upright, law abiding citizen now!!!

Now, do not think that I believe these changes were miraculous, or that I somehow am different than other addicts, alcoholics, or any other ” sinner”. In my past, before I was able to get clean and sober, I made it my goal to be as low down mean as a woman can get. I was a fighter- really!- and I seethed with hatred for authority. I had many, many issues. I was battered, and I battered back.

I never thought I would live any other way. But when I was ready, and I surrendered, became teachable, and put down the drugs and alcohol, and followed the 12 step programs, something happened. It was slow, but my vision started to clear. I began to see myself in a new light, a kinder, softer light. If I had not died in the life I was in, maybe I could be like these others at the meeting, with their hair combed, clothes clean. Maybe I could care about myself, maybe I could care about someone else. What I had dreaded was now as pleasant as honey on my tongue.the little voice of the girl I was born as began to be audible to me.

I thanked my “Higher Power” often in prayer each day, and kept a daily gratitude journal. No matter what, I had to write down 3 things I was grateful for each day. I got a sponsor, and I followed what she suggested. I made amends where I could, then let God have the rest.

As the years past though, I was still crying all the time, depressed nearly everyday. I never felt happy, and there was a void. Fortunately for me, one of the other members of the 12 step program strongly suggested I seek help from mental health professionals. I did, and my life really opened up. I still have had to make a huge effort to learn new ways, even with the meds, and a correct diagnosis. And another thing that has brought me so much comfort is my relationship with Jehovah. I am a peaceful person now, and He has taught me how to love through His Son Jesus. He never abandoned me, I had turned my back on Him.

Now His word, the Bible, and His holy spirit(active force), and my faith in the Ransom Sacrifice of Jesus Christ, lead me into greener pastures every single day. the beauty of His creation shines through my windows each morning, and He helps me with my brothers and sisters in the congregation who love me. I had forgotten how I got here, and how amazing and wonderful it is. When I was baptized by full water immersion and made a public declaration of my dedication the Jehovah God, a light started to show in my eyes, my whole countenance has changed too. Now I see the happiness in myself that I had only ever seen in other people, even with all my struggles.

Oh, I’m noholy roller, I make mistakes every day. I swear many times, and I watch violent Tv, but I keep trying to do better, and God forgives me when I repent. I really struggle to be acceptable to my God. But Jehovah knows that I am made of dust, He knows my heart. And he knows yours too.

Please never give up on yourself, God doesn’t!

joy is strawberry cake!!
joy is strawberry cake!!