Always feeling different, in a room full of schoolmates. Outcast, in my mind, just knowing that the kids could see inside me. It began in kindergarten, even then, when the little boy I was in love with ran away from me. Mom had asked me to get the recipe for his Mom’s Syrian Bread, but he must have thought I wanted to kiss him, because he ran away from me, all the way down the road to his house.
He’s a successful doctor all these years later. And me? I’m still painted green. You see, that is the best way I can explain what being Bipolar feels like, in a crowd. Like you are chartreuse in a room full of normal people. I explained to my therapist that all my life (before diagnosis and psych meds) I felt as if I were in a movie, an endlessly rolling recording of every move I made. That would make a person feel conspicuous, wouldn’t it?
I certainly am better now, 21 years after diagnosis, med regimen, and therapy. But I still feel green sometimes..,
Written after Fighting With Myself All Night
. Jehovah knows my suffering, hears my pleas each day
. He knows the pain this madness brings, knows I’m made of clay
. I thought I’d be forsaken, and all my hope was lost
. I struggled to awaken, eternal darkness was the cost
. But my God cares for me, He hears my cries and screams
. He pulls me out of raging seas, makes pleasant peaceful dreams
. How can I show my thankfulness, show Him my endless love?
. I’ll walk with Him in faithfulness, Praise God in Heights above!
. I will love my God whole-souled, pray, meditate and preach
. No matter how lame, tired, sick or old, new sheep I will love and teach!
Wow…momentous day! Even though I was up and down 3 or four times, ie:cat out, pee, drink of water, pee, help my blind dog find his bed, pee…You know the deal, my fellow insomniacs.
I do feel back in the light, which is splendiferous, warming the little cockles of my heart. I’m going to look cockles up in the dictionary, they sound like a type of marine life. I finished a mural commission yesterday , it only took me a month to complete ! I was “sick ” more days than not , whether it be physically or emotionally, hence the prolonged finish date. I know the client was glad to have it done, albeit I still have to clear coat it for durability . I will post a good picture soon .
We discussed a commission for a painting/photo portrait of her horse, which was the subject of the aforementioned mural , and I am very excited by the prospect. I love to paint and draw and be near horses, they center me and ease my mind. My time working with horses has been the most rewarding work I have ever done, right under serving my God. He certainly expressed his wonderful love when he created horses!
I will make this brief , but oh, I came home right after the conversation about the horse portrait and freepainted a beautiful portrait of a Friesian Stallion racing thru a winter night. I am so pleased. It showed me how far I’ve come, and the beauty I can express when I let it flow, instead of agonizing over each brushstroke!