Loving My Life! (the way it Is!!)

Can it really be TRUE??

Yes. It can. And it is, which really blows my mind. It was brought home to me today, in some strange ways…

Let me do a wee bit of backtracking. I have let my blog, The Wind, languish here for a long time. Now, many of my long time followers (if there are any left! I know there is one and she is AWESOME: check out The Cricket Pages) know that I have bipolar disorder which can be and is very debilitating at times. For nearly a year, perhaps the entire pandemic, my mental health has been a fragile thread, pulled taught by isolation, lack of therapy and generally allowing myself to eat anything I want. So I have been slipping away by inches, sliding nearer and nearer to the drain. No longer able to keep up the facade, I have come to a breaking point:

I must take action. Today. This very instant. I am having thoughts I haven’t had for over 20 years. Ugly and hateful thoughts.

Sitting on my laurels has made me fat and irritable. Lying prone on this couch has given wobbles to body parts that were firm and strong yesterday…well, I thought it was yesterday. Worse than that is my creative deadness. But I feel the ground shaking and cracks starting to appear. (I just want the earthquake to throw paint onto canvas-not bodily fluids onto walls.) Too graphic a description, you say? I say , NAY-it has to be graphic. I must hear myself this time. I have always used this medium to say what I cannot say out loud: Susan!!!Help yourself!!!Call your therapist!!! Susan!!!!Reach out!!!!SUSAN TODD!!!This is YOU SPEAKING TO YOU!!!Get help NOW!!!

Chrysalis Prison, ©STMartin2017

Whew. Ok, ok… I am, I will, ok. I’m done sitting in this Funk. You know, I’m a very spiritual person, and I owe everything I am and ever will be to my God. He gave his only Son to die for someone like me, no , not someone like me…ME!! Jesus suffered the most heinous torture and death for this sinner, and all others of us too. This unimaginable undeserved kindness from a God who I mocked and hid from, whose loving words I defied, whose laws I broke with glee. Who must just feel so hurt when we all forget him, He who created us.

He gives my life purpose. And joy. And the purpose is to get out of my own little quagmire and help someone else see His love, and His light. I just can’t do that sitting here in the dark. So I will keep praying, knowing that he hears, having faith that what I ask, in line with His Will, will be done.

So much of my gratitude had been circling the drain along with my self worth and zest for living. And we all know who it is that rejoices when a servant of the true God falters. Yes, that one does rejoice, and snicker and rub his dirty little hands together. But I remember what my Father said, and that Jehovah will come of victorious on the fast approaching final day.

I must remember that God imparts power to me when I feel tired and beaten up; at Isaiah 40:29-31 it reads: He is giving to the tired on power; and to the one without dynamic energy he makes full might abound.”

Yes. Yes, it’s true, he does…POWER. FULL MIGHT.

The Escape of Prayer©STMartin2017

That sounds like exactly what I need. So… Last night I went to bed a wee bit early. Did some soul searching in prayer, poured out my heart to my God. I had called an elderly aunt right before bed…actually, I called her at 1:30am hoping to just get her answering machine, cause she’s deaf and I figured without her hearing aid I could safely leave a message without waking her… Wrong. She was still in her ‘Chair’ (you know the one-all elderly relatives have one) so I was caught, like a rabbit in a snare!

“Ahhello?”, the Ancient One spaketh, from The Chair.

“Hey, Betty! What are you doin’ up?”(darn it anyhow…)

“Ah the same thing you are! To what do I owe the pleasure…?” the Ancient One uses a little sarcasm here, a little nudge of guilt.

“Well, I was going to leave you a message, letting you know I was thinking of you…” Oh Susan, honesty will not serve you well here…

So ensued an hours-long conversation, catching up on ALL my elderly relations. And, to my dismay, my mother’s sister had been in the hospital with a ‘heart bleed’…this was quite distressing because I live about 5 minutes away from her and have made feeble attempts at contact, these have not been reciprocated…

The Waterplant ©STMartin2018(sold)

So it went, and as a 22 year clean and sober person after a 23 year active addiction to drugs and alcohol, I understand there will be some who will never forgive. This auntie is that person. So, I love her, remember her from my childhood and try not to feel the Hurt anymore. The news of her hospitalization must have hit me hard.

The Destitute Icea©STMartin

After I finally fell asleep, I had the mist horrific nightmares. My dear Mom, who is my best friend, had gone across town to sell a piece of electronics on Let Go. I told her I would go with, but no she went alone. I was home with Dad, in a huge 2 story white house (dreams, right?) and Mom never came home. I cried when I called the police, I cried when they found her car, the bad guys, the blood evidence. I lost my mind with grief when I found out she’d been stabbed, I was hysterical, inconsolable… Thank God my sobs woke me up enough to realize it was just a dream…

As crazy as this sounds I was grateful that she was already dead; she had not suffered such a horrible end at the hands of strangers. It took me quite a long time to quit crying… Now I cried for missing her, missing my dad, maybe losing my aunt that I’m not close to…I cried for so many reasons. Such an outpouring of pent up grief, it flowed out of me in racking sobs, sobs like I only cried at each of my parent’s ‘real’ deaths. Oh, my. The loss, the catastrophic loss and pain that only death can bring. In my pain I cried out again to Jehovah.

And again, he wrapped me in the fuzzy microfiber blanket of Supreme softness that is His Love…again He held me close and let me rest my weary head.

Daylight seemed to come in an instant, but puffy-eyed from all the crying, I arose and prepared for my outpatient surgery today. Limping and hurting, as always, I waited in the chill morning air in front of my modest little mobile home. I looked at my lovely garden, saw the mist lifting, heard that loud mocking bird start his tirade. I remembered my little shih-Tzu, Kleo, still snoring away, warm and scruffy. She would gave moved onto the pillow my head had recently vacated. And the cats? Oh, they had all had their morning pets and were on the screen porch assuming their squirrel watching posts. All was well on my little farm.

When my ride came, she was cheerful and bright in her brand new brown Hyundai… We talked about surviving domestic violence, addiction and getting right with God. The day at the surgery center was grueling, and I’m in pain still, but the day showed me so many things.’l

Especially my ride home. My insurance company uses Lyft drivers for transport now, and as my impatient nurse urged me to call the service forva third time, my ride pulled up…an utterly gorgeous little black Mercedes four-door hatch back; all dressed up and ready to party! WOW! The driver was a zippy little number too, I hope he forgives me for forgetting his name, all I knew was The Car. It reminded me of a different time in my life. We had the greatest talk about supercars and Mercedes Factory trips to Germany, and his fine jobs in the super high-end auto industry, the man is just amazing and a climber. Well on his way to the future he wants. He goosed the girl a little and the “auto-stick” shifter just blew my doors off, and off all the cars around us!!

I do love a hot rod. So I talked to him about my muscle car history, and he’s actually met Supercar Blondie, and hooked up Matthew McConaughey with the Band in his famous Lincoln ads… Sorry, I forgot their name… Anyway! To put it all in a nutshell, I crossed thru all my past history today, in dreams, in real life, in conversation, in prayer, and all in all….I am so happy now.

I got out of the hot little Mercedes and it’s fine owner’s world, and stepped back into my humble one. With a smile, and a grateful sigh. One thing I told him was that sometimes I get tired of chasing a dollar, worrying about future wealth and all the burdens that brings. No, let me have my relationship with God and Jesus and my brothers and sisters. Let me have my tiny trailer and itty-bitty garden. Let me have my crazy kitties and dear, dear Kleo.

Let me have my life full of grace and purpose. I choose this, even with the pain, even with the tears.

the dreaming forest, a work in progress©stmartin2021

Thank you for listening…

Not Too Long Now

Soon. What a loaded word. A good word.

What is going to happen soon? Relief.

Relief is a good word, and a good thing.

What kind of relief? All kinds, every kind.

What do we need relief from? Everything.

Everything that hurts.

And you think this will happen? Yes.

Oh yes. And soon.

Very soon.

How Do I Make You Feel?

Do I make you feel anything?

Can ANY of us feel anything anymore?

Or are we cursed now, having stared into the abyss too long, our eyes seared and scarred with so much death. So much hatred. So much violence. Are we ever going to be nice to each other again? Say “Hello, nice to see you.” “Good morning!” Or even “‘wassup”?

I wonder. You know I read the Bible a lot. I mean alot-alot. So I’m not surprised by this hate, violence and love less attitude all around the world. It’s prophesied about in 2 Timothy 3:1-5, and every word is true.

Did you ever read it? I remember the first time I did. It reinforced my new found love for God, his Son Jesus and his plans for a beautiful, happy future. Because every time I saw that God had told us about the things that would happen in the time we are living in, I could see the truth of it. Then my faith grew and grew.

And hope grew also, that after this terrible increase in violence, hate and war, God would put an end to all wickedness and provide a peaceful new paradise world in place. I believe this so fully, so totally that it gives me comfort now, even in the midst of all this violence and death.

It won’t be long now until God steps in, so we must work hard now to be included in his future.

Finding a Way to your Heart

” The Moon, sailing in a sea of clouds!”

His Creation speaks of his great love for us!
Pink Dusk©STMartin

The Moon in a sailing sea of clouds, watching over us in the night sky: The ‘lesser luminary’ he provided, so awe inspiring!

Incredible Flowers and Plants he has gifted to us!

Let us remember our loving God and thank him from our hearts, praying each day and praising him.

The forests sing his praises, and soon his Son, Jesus will cleanse this earth of all wickedness!

And Round It Goes…

I would not want to be in Afghanistan now. I never did, but I feel so bad for the people there today. There are bad times ahead.

Can you see, now, that what the Bible has been telling us is coming true? I mean, you had to know that the One who has created everything was telling us the truth, right? You knew that, right?

If you have a Bible, now is a good time to get it out and study it. All those prophecies about our time are coming true, and soon the train will be leaving the station. I want you to be on that train with me. Please.

A Day of Rest

(Aren’t They All?)

Ok, I hear ya. Maybe they are, at least during the darkest Pandemic days. I lost 2 friends last week, one to Covid, one to a rare disease. But both were lost the “last enemy”, death. No getting away from it, is there. No… Not at this time.

What does that mean, you ask? Am I just a crazy blogger with mental health issues? Well, yes, the mental illness part is true-but that does not make me crazy. The Bible tells us in no uncertain terms that death will be done away with, in the not-to-distant future! Yay!

And Still We Pressed On…

No rest in sight it seems, this deserted place insists we move thru it, quickly.

My legs burn, my lungs are full of the stuff these tumbleweeds are made of.

The Coyote spoke in hushed words I barely understood,

“Leave you here…”

“…in ten minutes…”

“…to the East..”

“DON’T MAKE A SOUND!”

With that he seemed to fall off the face of the earth without so much as a breeze to make his passing. I squeezed Maria’s cold little hand, the tension running between us like a harmonic on a fretboard. She had to make it. There was no other thought allowed to enter my head.

I crouched over her , the night air so crisp it felt like my breath would shatter it , counting to ten, or fifteen. Checking my compass one more time I bundled Maria up and tucked her like a solid gold football against my abdomen, then I let loose. Using legs that had kicked ten thousand soccer goals I leapt out of the undergrowth, tearing across a gravel road that seemed fifty yards long, but in reality was less than 5.

My worn out sneakers shot gravel out behind me, it sounded like cannon fire and my rushing blood roared like thunder in my ears. I gripped Maria tighter, willing the Border Agents to look the other way with every step. I saw the blue flash of their truck lights thru the broken stalks of corn, imagined to hounds of hell at my heels.

MI Dios,I prayed, please! For Maria for Maria for Maria…

The field was more dense now, cover better…I tried to imagine the Coyote’s voice.

“After you run 2 kilometers lie down at the edge of the culvert…”

Two kilometers… a culvert…in the blackness I saw nothing-then the low cement wall hit my shin mid stride, sending a white bolt of pain shooting to my brain. I felt my precious bundle break free of my grasp, my forward momentum sending her in a gentle arch ten feet to my right. An ‘ooof’ burst thru my lips, but I still thought we would be ok, Maria was bundled in a blue blanket I found the day before. Arms outstretched and at full body extension I watched the blue blur till my head hit the ground. As the light left my eyes I remember hearing a tiny splash…hmmm, sounded like a trout jumping…a pretty blue and silver trout, like the last one Papi caught before he disappeared…it was going to taste…so…goo…

The Good Works

Hello again dear friends…I have come to the close of another day, which is a battle won. I’ve figured out how to feel better as I undergo changes to myvpsychiatric meds… I have been SUPER sick since they put me on a new med and had me stop one I’ve been on for 20 years… Well, today I quit the new med abpnd feel 1000 times better!

Perhaps I will have to go back to the new regimen at some point, but looking up the new medicine online I found it reacts poorly to 6, yes 6, if my other prescriptions! Ah, well…

I have been making many mistakes in my efforts to live more like the Bible advises… This is my natural state as a human, I know. I’m trying just to dust myself off, rather than beat myself up, but I spent my life learning hatred and doubt. It is a challenge. But the One who created me knows I am dust, and He loves me. He pats me on my head and stands me back on my feet to try again,

I’m grateful today and enjoyed a moonlit walk with my Cleo and Frenchie. We enjoyed the full Moon. No one is out in the wee hours, so we had the street to ourselves. It’s so lovely,the night. I was hoping to hear the owls, but not tonight. As I neared the creek and the pond I heard the bullfrogs. They are in full throated session, sending out their love calls in croaking unison.

More tomorrow… Keep pushing on, my friends, it won’t be long now.

Cha-cha-cha Changes…

We’re back at the beginning, aren’t we? Well, that’s fairly fitting, I feel mentally at a starting point, too. Readjusting my Mania-controlling medicine is akin to stepping into a 1990’s heavy metal concert without earplugs. As the seratonin levels plummet I am besieged by psychedelic brain images, no doubt fueled by long-stunted neurons awakening. Other interesting awakenings include a primal libido attack and tingling skin sensations, mostly on my arms, driving me to scratch them till they bleed. Ah the wonders of throwing pharmaceuticals at invisible, and wonderfully terrifying mental health afflictions!

If helping me get some sleep was part of the psychiatrist’s goals he failed to reach it. I have been awake with my heart pounding for nigh on a week, oddly though I don’t feel confused…(she said while devouring her 6th granola bar and preparing to suck down a lemon ice and 2 of containers applesauce!) I will keep thus short, I still have to get ready for bed…Keep yourself in God’s love

The Bitter(Sweet)

Hello my wayward friend. You made it here, to this dusty, cobwebby little blog. I am truly glad you did, because I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Not at all! Hang out if you want to, there’s some stuff to read and some pics to look at.

But I’m moving everything over to Out of the Gutter Art, my other Artist Blog. So , c’mon over when you get thru here!

See Ya!