3 Hours Sleep and I’m Feelin’ Good!

Righty O! How about that Picture, huh? Oh, my…

.   That’s my “I’m so tired I can fall down right in this spot and sleep for a month” face. And it’s none too pretty. It’s also the most unflattering view of my nose…I was never unhappy with my nose until my Ex broke it . We were pretty high, and the cops had a roadblock we were going to drive past, and in my nervousness I didn’t realize he was just waving us around a broken down car. So I was going to stop and roll down my window, but that psycho husband of mine hit me with a right hook that I knew had broken my nose the minute it landed. Now with my nose smashed and bleeding and my lover screaming, “Just Go! JUST GO YOU STUPID @#$!%&!!” I rolled right thru the zone just praying that the cop would see my pain and lock my old man up forever.

.    Unfortunately, I had a long way to go with him, not only in miles on that specific trip, but years in marriage as a hostage to this monster. I cried and whimpered while he continued to berate me all the way to our friend’s house, at which time I ran into the house to pry my broken contacts out of my eyes, and ask for an ice pack. And a stiff drink.

.  The woman who lived there with her common law husband was no stranger to domestic violence, I had seen Jim go at her plenty of times when he was drunk. They had a 2 year old little tow-head named Gregory who I loved dearly, he came over with his blue eyes big with compassion, and said, “Bwoke?”while pointing his tiny finger at my face.

.  Lori took me aside while I was lameenting, “He broke my nose. HE BROKE MY @#$!&%!! NOSE!” and told me I should be taking pictures of all the injuries my husband had been inflicting on my person almost daily, I was too mad to listen, but years later I now wish I had. I guess the scars, PTSD and crooked nose will have to do.

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The Way I See Sue©STMartin

.  Anyway, I was still ticked off and full of the kind of courage that comes from straight whiskey, so I sat on the couch loudly lamenting my poor nose. That’s when Lori’s husband Jim looked at me laughing and said, “What’s the difference? You already had a big shnoz !!!”  My husband thought this was a riot also.

.  That was the day I began to hate my nose.

.  About 5 years after this incident, Lori and Jim were fighting again, and she came to us (well,  to my husband ) asking for help to buy a gun.  She claimed she feared for her and her son’s life,  Jim was “wild”and “dead set” on killing her. In our cocaine induced insanity, we went to a guy my hubby knew , and purchased a gun for Lori. Later that night, we met up with Lori in a Grocery Store parking lot. My Ex showed it too her, she had many questions. She purchased it. (By this time , after years of this woman’s unusual interest in my husband, I had learned to hate her. It turned out I had good reason to do so.)WIN_20200710_02_11_35_Pro_LI (6)

Approximately six months after the “transaction” my husband was  working with a crew of guys subcontracting welding for the Charleston  Naval Shipyard , and the ATF and FBI threw down on them all in our van while they were at the Shipyard . Lo and behold, little Lori, our “best friend”, had been wearing a wire during, not only the gun transaction, but in ALL the “meetings” she had with my husband. He had been sleeping with her for years, as I learned at his trial.

.  Well, he got 15 to life as a habitual  offender, I sold my hot rod 71 Mach One and his Harley to hire his attorney. After that I eventually made it to my parents home in Florida, got clean and sober and divorced jerk face. That was in ’02. He got out in 2011, remarried another womedan he had been cheating on me with. He died on February 7th alone at their home of a major coronary. And so ends that chapter of my incredible life.

.                             Crazy, man. Just crazy…WIN_20200720_06_43_02_Pro_LI (3)

The CLEAN Effect!

      Yessssssss….Deep inhale….Yessssss….

.  There is often some bright speck, a teeny-weeny glint, in the midst of devastation. Often this tiny glimmer of good goes unseen for years, decades, even centuries. I’m sure there have been major disasters where no bright side was ever found, the loss being only that. A loss. Losses. Deaths. Dying.

.  We could only see that, if we got tunnel vision with this Covid Pandemic. Only the disease, the fear, the grief, the bodies stacked up like cord wood. It could just open it’s huge great-white-shark-sized mouth with it’s blood-covered-razor-sharp giant teeth and swallow us whole. Then our lives will have ended, with a dark shroud of sadness enveloping our memory. Is this how you are feeling? Are you frightened?

.         It certainly is a normal reaction to this situation. But there IS a silver lining… Have you heard about the animals? They are coming out of the woods, out of the forests, out of the bushes, out of the darkest recesses and back into the sunlight! With humans staying quiet, staying out of their cars, letting the Earth rest from it’s gasping, the animals are out!!! It thrills me, it brings joy to my weary heart to see images of river otters playing in a grassy median, rolling and romping, and laughing!(I’m sure they are laughing, they have to be!)

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My Izzy, 2005-2017

.  I see cardinals again , and osprey flying low. I hear owls, and see ‘coons and possum. Oh, I know, I’m talking about “less desirable”wildlife, but let me tell you, it fills my heart near to bursting. As a child I would read “Born Free”and Miss Anderson’s Cheetah stories, gobbling up the word images of animals running free across African Savannahs. I dreamed nightly about my wild Stallion that I would ride someday, and about Bambi becoming a Stag.WIN_20191128_03_49_42_Pro (2)

.  My Mom’s Bible Study books had images of happy people hugging lions and petting tigers, and I physically yearned for those images to come true. As I learned about God and thought about His love in creating puppies and kittens, I found Bible passages that promised a paradise one day. And as the years have past my faith has become brighter, and the day for me to hug a white tiger, or play with a wolf pup has gotten closer ,too.Picture 005

.  Yes, there is much sadness, sickness and death. There is injustice and corruption and pollution. And , sadly, there are worse things to come in the future, no matter where you live on this planet. But it all is bringing us closer each day to God’s fulfilled promises, such as the end of wickedness, pain, crime and hatred. To days of joyful work for humans, building houses, planting gardens. Many people think that God is causing this horrible pandemic, and that He is a God who throws people into Firey Hell.

.  I have studied the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses for many years, and was baptized in 2003…but I had many things that I changed, only with God’s help. I was a  full blown drug addict and alcoholic for 23 years, beginning at age 13. I only knew abusive and violent relationships, having my nose broken twice, being tied to a tree, stabbed and shot at, being choked unconscious more than once, and more. All this by my own husband. By the time I was 33, I looked like a 50 year old, and I felt 100. I had so many health problems, pain was my constant companion and still is. I smoked Crack, Pot, snorted coke, meth and used drugs intravenously for years. I drank my first beer most days by 9am, and lit my first cigarette before my eyes were open in the morning. I now have PTSD, and COPD. I had Hep C . I was dying and wished I was dead. Finally, before my husband killed me, he was arrested by the ATF and was convicted as a habitual offender, 15 years to life.Picture 419

.  Oh, how I cried. I thought my world had ended. I really went wild. He wanted me to work with the law to get his sentence reduced, I thought ATF agents were behind every tree. I refused to work with the Feds, because I thought I was smarter than them. I hooked up with a member of a MC club, and planned to tell the FBI about it… After all the humiliation and abuse they told me they would never use any info I gave them…I wanted to die… But I didn’t.

.  I called my Mom, and begged to come home. She let me. I was the proverbial daughter. Near death and bankrupt in every way I moved back to my parent’s house.

Lots of things happened that I could go on about. Bad things. And worse things.

.  But there was a glimmer, a glint of good in all that mire I was in…

.  I got on my knees before I took the last step to suicide, and I begged, pleaded, beseeched, cried and screamed my anguish and remorse out to God.

.  He heard. And He helped.

. I was able to get clean and sober, 21 years ago this September. I quit smoking the next year. And then, after calling God my “Higher Power”in AA for another year I learned that God , Jehovah God, could and would and did forgive me.

.  Yesssssss….deep inhale…..Yessssss!!!

.    You can feel this forgiveness too. I hope you do. Then I can meet you, in paradise on earth when all this badness is finished, for good.

(if you want to learn like I did, JW.org is where to go… You’ll  be able to read and study the Bible, watch videos and learn precious truths…and you will learn how God sent His Son, Jesus to sacrifice his life for ALL humans…yep, me…and YOU TOO !!!)

UPDATE !!!

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Welcome to my “refreshed” blog, now that my Susan T. Martin-Out of the Gutter blog has been repurchased as my Portfolio. We shall see how that goes. At the moment it looks as if I have shot myself in the foot, but perhaps as I tweak it my readership will recover…

So, this is me at the present, with my funky ” I am still Cool” hairdo. I happen to really like my hair this way, if only it didn’the need trimmed every extreme15 minutes! (I must cut down on those hair vitamins!) I have become obsessed lately with my scarred countenance, and have been investing in the latest full coverage cosmetics. This may be, and I think is, a response to the skin cancer I have been diagnosed with, which has resulted in more scars from the removal of many moles, etc.

Mom had to have a devastating operation on her nose to remove Basal Cell Carcinoma, and her self esteem never recovered. I had to constantly try to assure her that she was still the beautiful person everyone knew and loved. She would stare in the mirror and make a pokey noise and say, ” Yuk! I am SO ugly!”

Listening, I would ask her how she thought that made me feel as her daughter, and her “spittin’ image”. She would try not to complain, but the unsightly scars were as “plain as the nose on her face”. And likewise, mine.

As a child of parents with extreme acne, and my brother also plagued with this as an adolescent, I had a fear, of course. Hearing students at our school call him “zit face” makes me cringe to this day, and as I age I cringe more. It seems like all my physical flaws have just intensified and become magnified as the years pass…Where has my self confidence gone, the self worth I worked so hard to achieve?

My saving grace is my art. Here I can show myself in my purest form, and let my inner beauty flow onto the canvas, unhindered. I can find beauty in the mundane, in discarded and devalued objects I find all around me. Metaphors for myself, in old toolboxes, clocks, gutters and cinder blocks. I can cover them in rainbow colors, the paint is their  “cosmetic”, their “foundation”.

And after I am finished with this refuse, this trash, it is ready to be accepted, cherished, and loved. These artworks are still what they have always been, deep under their layers of misuse, abuse and the ravages of time…useful, helpful, dignified objects. Now, however, they are

Works of Art.

And in retrospect, so am I.

It Has Been a Long ,Long, Lonely, Lonely,Lonely…..Time!

I didn’t even know if my Blog, The Wind, was still here, clinging to life! I am so glad that it is, even though I have been concentrating on my visually creative outlets, rather than the written word. I need this blog. I really need this blog to help me set my troubled mind free again.

Sure, my physical Art, is taking me in Wild and Wonderful new directions, helping me gain confidence with every stoke of the brush of bit of glue. But the musings, the prose , the beauty of the written word, the NEED to express… this is also a nessessity for me.

On another, totally unrelated note: I just purchased 2 new pairs of glasses and they are giving be a blinding headache, the ear piecs are so tight! It feels like somone is turning the handle on a huge vise attached right behind my ears! AAaaargh!

So, coming back to my Windy Blog, I will be coming back to write again, to share again, to tell you tall tales of wit and ingenuity! And insanity! Joy and Life!! and really uncomfortable new glasses!

Check me out now and then, and visit my “sister” blog “Out of The Gutter Art” here on WordPress!

Sincerely, Me!

We Never Moved, Just Moved On…

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This is Baby Izzy. Her full name is Aiko XoXo Izabella, and she is a shih-tzu, as are my other 2 babies. This is her older brother, Kiko San Majestic:Picture 724

He looks like a wookie from star wars here. Or an Ewok, I can’t remember what that furry creature as called. Both of the kids were young in these pictures, Kiko may have been just over 2 years old, and Izzy was about 8 months. SO cute!!!

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one of the GIANT houses we looked at!
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pretty porch!
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GIANT kitchen!
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standing in Alabama looking into Georgia

Mom and dad and I had driven up to Alabama looking at houses. This was when houses here were selling for 3 times more than they are now, so we could have purchased a larger, nicer house, with some acreage. Mom had not been diagnosed with stage 4 colo/rectal cancer yet, that would come the next year. And although we saw many beautiful properties, we decided not to move, which was a good thing in the long run. Here at this house where we have been for 30 years, everything is paid and there is no mortgage.110 Banyan, abandoned and vandalized 001 skinny faces 003 skinny faces 020 The Fall at Arby's on 4-5-13 010Picture 711Picture 811

We also live by a major Interstate Highway that runs from Maine to the very tip of the mainland in the Keys. Every type of hospital, doctor’s office, pharmacy, store, post office, and any retail establishment you can think of are in a 10 mile radius of our home. I happen to hate “city” living, so now that we are bigger than West Palm Beach I do not enjoy all the traffic. We are so close to the HWY. that we had a big wooden privacy fence erected to block traffic noise and keep us safe from transients, and criminals. I used to go to sleep to the thumping sound of car stereos rattling my windows. And the house next door has been abandoned for at least 5 years now. It has had a pool full of mosquitoes nearly the entire time, the shutters all fell off, and they ran over their septic tank with a backhoe before they moved. I am only scratching the surface here, but suffice to say the grass is high next door!

Ok, I gotta hang up my pencil now- my neck has a crook in it…I mean a crick! Or is it a creak? I know it is creaky, just like all my other moveable parts! Goodnight friends!

Pray to Jehovah, my friends!

A Sampling of Poetry for Your Perusal, Gentle Reader…

What a bunch of malarkey, huh? I once knew where that saying originated (malarkey), but now I’m not sure… See, I digress in my first sentence! (bad, bad, bad…) I have been totally bee-boppin’ manic today, for whatever reason. However, I am determined to post some of my poetry tonight, I will not rest until I do! I will most likely not rest even if I do, but that’s neither here nor there. (see, those little sayings just keep cropping up) (see what I mean!!! cropping up…)

Oh brother!, I had better get this written, and hang it up for the night! (hang it u….NO!) breathing deeply, in…out…in…out…

I hope you folks enjoy- there are more where these came from…

 

RAINY SEASON

Hush in jungle, forest deep,

rain drops drown, leaves silence keep;

damp paw treads in undergrowth,

peers out at liquid day.

 

Mists hang, palm fronds dangle,

bright plumage quiet in green tangle;

blue/grey/purple clouds drift by,

doe huddles in clinging coat.

 

smell of plant-rot thick in nostril,

beast lies sated, slit-eyed, docile;

steam-breathes onto sleeping young,

question marks on damp moss.

 

silhoutte in tree tops, mourning doves,

butterfly hangs, wet leaf above;

rivulets run down blackened bark,

blanket of cloud covers eden.

s.t. martin, 2012

Save Our Hawks

My Unidentified Hawk I love all living things, but raptors have a special place in my heart. Keen as the wind, eyesight to split pin-heads, they soar on the updrafts while all the ground birds wait in silence. Then as a spectre out of a dream, they fall like the fastest arrows from the sky to strike a clueless dove or mouse on the ground. I witnessed a kill one day, out under the mighty oak, or rather, witnessed the aftermath. I heard a crash in the tree beside me, and turned in time to see a burst of grey, and then feathers silently drifting to the ground. They strike only to abate their hunger, nothing left, nothing wasted. Mercifully instantaneous death from above.

I am fortunate to live on a small tract of land that butts up to an untouched utility right-of-way, a strip of wild brambles and trees that runs about a quarter mile down to the St. Lucie River. Across the highway is a large State Park of Florida Wetland, but it is gradually being infringed upon with development, and we have seen a lot of wildlife move to our side of the road. In this tract out back, there stand a few giant Slash Pines, and there aren’t many of them left after a blight of beetles 20 years ago. But the hawks have found them.

I have been watching a particular hawk for about 5 years now, and a fine specimen is he. He has had his territory mapped out to encircle our block and all the slash pines down to the river, and he has been calling for a mate for many , many months. I have tried to make an accurate ID on him for as long as he has been around, and at first I thought he was a Red-Tail. But closer inspection made me toss that ID, and I am now thinking he may be a Florida Marsh Hawk, which is much more rare. And he has finally found his mate. My Dad and I were privy to their mating dance a few months back. Such a sight!!

He wouls soar to dizzying heights where he seemed suspended momentarily before rushing down like a bullet to buzz his lover in the pine tree below! Over, and over this majestic sight played out. Most people live thier whole lives without witnessing such natural beauty, and it was a dream come true for me. But the best was a few days later. I heard a commotion in the wild tangle of branches out back, and to my amazement- there he was covering her in an oak- right in full view!!! I stood breathlessly untill they were done mating, unable to believe this gift I had been given.

I haven’t sighted them for a couple days- I am busy scoping out the tall Pines where they might have nested. I called the local Audubon(sp) Chapter, but I posted this first before sending this footage to them. I hope to find a way to protect this land for future generations of wildlife. Then these majestic birds of prey can live here forever. Thank you God, for such noble creatures.