Secrets…Many Secrets

 

90C967A0-2011-4E7F-9F99-CCEF3C82A465
So many Secrets©STMartin

WIN_20191108_04_51_11_Pro (3)    Should we tell our secrets? Burden our loved one’s with them? Jeopardize our relationships with society, our peers? Risk our reputations?

.     Many people choose not to. Instead they carry that burning bucket of nastiness hidden away deep inside. Letting it rot away all their prospects for joy, searing their potential away under the scars of a guilty conscience. And , in the end, it’s all for naught. They really didn’t fool anyone, most of all they did not fool God.

.    I had secrets, many, many dark ones. In my abused child’s mind a darkness festered, and I have hidden it desperately for so many years. I thought I had it hidden so well that it could never hurt anyone, least of all me. But it has Hurt me. For a long and terrible time. I thought that the God of the Bible would never forgive me, could never love me, I was that dirty and sinful and twisted. I was determined to keep my secret to the grave, and I was even working on helping that day come sooner, putting myself in the grave sooner.

Oh, I tried, but it seemed like I was indestructible , at least physically, but I was succeeding in killing me inside. The longer I held onto, the deeper I buried, the harder I punished myself …my secret was like a squirrel in a pillow case, fighting it’s squirmy way our while ripping my sanity to shreds.

The pain just got too great, and after 30+years I finally bent my knees and poured out my heart to God. It took a very long prayer, and I had to keep praying and spilling my guts to Him, purging all that blackness out of me. All those years of bottled up guilt had become a well of poison, shot from arrows from Satan, telling me I was worthless, unlovable, beyond redemption and without hope. Lies. Lies upon lies upon lies, made to keep me far away from my Creator and His Son.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

When the pain of keeping my secrets became unbearable, I had found a tiny old woman, a long time student of the Bible, who took me in and saw my agony. She saw that I was full to bursting of the ugly secrets that kept me from God. She recognized my suffering and showed me in God’s word where a man named Saul who was a persecuter of Jesus followers, who chased Christians down and dragged them back to be killed, who stood by and watched while Jesus followers were stoned…This man was forgiven by God. This man was used by God to write books of the Bible under inspiration. This murderous villain was forgiven of all his sins, all his awful dirty secrets. This man became the apostle Paul.

KODAK Digital Still Camera
Pink Dusk©STMartin

Artwork and Pictures 056

Oh, the cleansing tears I cried, tears of gratitude and joy, tears of freedom from a horrible heavy burden. Suddenly I felt as if a Boulder had rolled off my back, I was lighter, the air was clearer, my vision better, my legs stronger. But most of all I felt a light come shining inside my darkest places, where the nasty secrets had been buried, and this light , in it’s cleansing brightness has stayed in my heart down to this day. Because God saw fit to sacrifice his perfect Son so that sinner’s like Saul, and like me, could be forgiven and have a clean conscience before Him. By Jesus ransom sacrifice I have been washed clean of all my secrets, and God has thrown all my sins behind his back, never to be remembered again.

.  Oh, there is so much more to this life than I ever thought possible. I do not cower in fear anymore when darkness falls, because the light of God’s truth shines on those who repent, turn around and put faith in Jesus, and then take steps to learn about the will of the God of the Bible and do it to the best of their ability .

.  You can feel this glorious unburdening too. I hope you can. I go to the website JW.org for free Bible education materials. It is totally free, and I love to look at the videos and listen to the music. It brings joy to me in these difficult times. I hope so much for you, dear readers, to feel this love and be relieved of whatever burden you carry. Thanks for reading!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Burning Desire..Really burning….

I am fighting right now, and you already know what is after me…negativity. Depression. Self Pity. Pain. Sadness…boo, boo, bad, hiss, grrr, mumble, mumble…SIGH…

I have been feeling worse than usual in my physical self, heavy, cumbersome(love that word), out of breath, and oh! SO SLEEPY.

Mentally? Running With Scissors!!!! WHEEEEE!!! Paint, Paint, draw, sculpt, glue, spray…UH, WAIT.

Did you say SPRAY? As in SPRAY PAINT?!?

Yea, I did. What about it?

And you said GLUE? AS IN SUPER GLUE? AND CONSTRUCTION GLUE?

Uh, yea. What’s the big deal? I use my mask all the ti…oh. OH…OH, now I understand. I got up sicker today, and wheezing, and groggy, with a blazing headache… And I didn’t put my respirator on when I sprayed that wall hanging last night… it was just going to be a couple seconds…the mask was inside…just a couple steps away,, but I was LAZY. AND FOOLISH. AND NOW MY LUNGS ARE SCREAMING. only I can’t hear them cause I CANT BREATHE!!!!

I made it to my standing Doc Appointment 5 minutes after I got out of bed. I mean, my hair already sticks up, but I seriously looked like Einstein.

I told her I thought maybe I had Pneumonia, pressure in my head, chest, headache, weary etc… And being the Real Physician she is (i don’t know why I said “Real”, too much news) she listened to my lungs.

Wow. I did not need a stethescope…The Rice Krispie Trio was playing a tune in my lungs. Holy smoker, who quit 20 years ago! No, I thought, not me!

Which is a rediculous thought, I have known for a couple years now that my lungs are failing. How did I know this? Well, it seems that I used CONSTRUCTION ADHESIVES to build an assemblage a few years ago… The year I had a Pulmonary Embolism from laying around too much after the 3 surgeries I had, the year I fell 4 times due to vertigo..etc etc… Oh . here is te health litany.. STOP.

The point is that I ALREADY have the knowledge of what NOT TO DO if I want to stay healthy. I already have KNOWLEDGE that I damaged my lungs and body severely with my lifestyle in the past, and I KNOW what to do to help myself.

The REALLY SAD THING is that I lost my Burning Desire to be my best me, my healthy me, the BEST Version of myself that I can give to my Creator in Thanks.

I lost my FOCUS, and I let the bad ways back in for a minute, the way of shortcuts, laziness, seeking material weaBEAUTIFULlth, and I cheated myself of some breaths of life again. And I didn’t even light a match…

When the Doc said she would let me try to change some of my test numbers without meds, I really let myself down, because I opted for the meds. I told her I just DID NOT HAVE IT IN ME TO MAKE THAT MUCH OF AN EFFORT RIGHT NOW.

….. um…WHAAAAT!!!??????

I even felt sick as it was coming out of my head into my voice box…DONT HAVE IT IN ME…TOO MUCH EFFORT…why dont you just puke and fall over in it?

I felt shame, burning shame, not burning desire. That I did not feel I am worth the effort. That Jehovah created this wonderful human being of ME, and I “don’t have it in me to make that much effort right now? What an insult to my loving God, who sent His Beautiful, PERFECT and BELOVED SON, Jesus Christ to die for me. This same me that I couldn’t muster the will to TRY to save. Oh, for shame, susan.

I tried to backtrack as soon as it was uttered, claiming that I just feel so sick that everything is extra hard right now…I haven’t slept, you know…

NO! I WILL NOT LET MYSELF DOWN LIKE THIS.

Nor will I INSULT my GRAND CREATOR, SOVEREIGN of the UNIVERSE, JAH!!

I WILL BE ON FIRE WITH DESIRE starting THIS VERY MOMENT!!!

BREATHE, GIRL, BREATHE!!!

RUN WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! WE MUST FINISH THIS RACE!!!! YEEHAW!

WIN_20170828_23_38_19_Pro (3)
“The Sentinel’s Prayer”, acrylic on canvas, Susan T. Martin2017

Words.

Not too many days feel good,

to this body.

Each and every day feels good,

to my heart.

The love I carry for all the world is a song

that no one has heard.

not a word.

I say it loudly, clearly,

in my art!

I Am Blown Away…

So much suffering in this world, that anything I may go through just pales by comparison. Just pales.

A night out for friends at a club, a few drinks. A few laughs. Dancing. Happy, young, upwardly mobile.

Beautiful. Did I tell you how beautiful they all are? Faces shown on smartphones, tv screens, computes. They look like me, and you. They look like our kids, grandkids, cousins. Daughters. Sons.

Many ask , “Why?” There are answers to that question, but that comforts not. There will be no comfort here…or will there?

Yes, there IS comfort. It can be found in the pages of a book written by our Creator, Jehovah. He hears our cries, and He sent His Son 2016 years ago to show us that there WILL BE A Resurrection!!!

That is knowledge we can take comfort in, and we can be there to welcome them back. Ask any one of the millions of Jehovah’s Witnesses earthwide how to do this. See you there!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

We Never Moved, Just Moved On…

Picture 722

This is Baby Izzy. Her full name is Aiko XoXo Izabella, and she is a shih-tzu, as are my other 2 babies. This is her older brother, Kiko San Majestic:Picture 724

He looks like a wookie from star wars here. Or an Ewok, I can’t remember what that furry creature as called. Both of the kids were young in these pictures, Kiko may have been just over 2 years old, and Izzy was about 8 months. SO cute!!!

Picture 711
one of the GIANT houses we looked at!
Picture 713
pretty porch!
Picture 714
GIANT kitchen!
Picture 811
standing in Alabama looking into Georgia

Mom and dad and I had driven up to Alabama looking at houses. This was when houses here were selling for 3 times more than they are now, so we could have purchased a larger, nicer house, with some acreage. Mom had not been diagnosed with stage 4 colo/rectal cancer yet, that would come the next year. And although we saw many beautiful properties, we decided not to move, which was a good thing in the long run. Here at this house where we have been for 30 years, everything is paid and there is no mortgage.110 Banyan, abandoned and vandalized 001 skinny faces 003 skinny faces 020 The Fall at Arby's on 4-5-13 010Picture 711Picture 811

We also live by a major Interstate Highway that runs from Maine to the very tip of the mainland in the Keys. Every type of hospital, doctor’s office, pharmacy, store, post office, and any retail establishment you can think of are in a 10 mile radius of our home. I happen to hate “city” living, so now that we are bigger than West Palm Beach I do not enjoy all the traffic. We are so close to the HWY. that we had a big wooden privacy fence erected to block traffic noise and keep us safe from transients, and criminals. I used to go to sleep to the thumping sound of car stereos rattling my windows. And the house next door has been abandoned for at least 5 years now. It has had a pool full of mosquitoes nearly the entire time, the shutters all fell off, and they ran over their septic tank with a backhoe before they moved. I am only scratching the surface here, but suffice to say the grass is high next door!

Ok, I gotta hang up my pencil now- my neck has a crook in it…I mean a crick! Or is it a creak? I know it is creaky, just like all my other moveable parts! Goodnight friends!

Pray to Jehovah, my friends!

Dreaming a Dance

I am borrowing a line from a fellow blogger who has a rescue dog. The dog has a wild poopy dance, and since she lived in a crate for her first 8 years of life, Rachel said: “She must have been dreaming this dance her whole life”. You can read this post on The Cricket Pages, a WordPress blog I enjoy very much.

Those words, though, they got me thinking…

A song has started inside my heart, swirling, soaring and free.

I Try to dance, it tears me apart, the notes screaming their way out of me.

i reach through the bars of this crushing cage into the deepest of nights

and dream i’m a ribbon released in the wind, flying till it’s out of sight!

willing myself to learn steps in a waltz that no one has ever taught me,

i will whirl and cavort , my face to the sun, till someone shows up with the key!

This poem is dedicated to Butterfly.

aren't i the cutest thing you've ever seen?
aren’t i the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?