Have No Fear

There are More who are with Us…

Forgiveness

These are fearsome times, there is just no getting away from it. The world scene changes minute to minute, second to second. Political upheaval, assassinations, earthquakes in one place after another, deadly plagues and so much death and suffering. It could seem hopeless if a person did not know that there is a God who will soon end the anguish.

I was that person. I knew he was there, I just did not acknowledge him. I did my level best to do everything he condemns, and I was succeeding. That is real fear, knowing you are disobeying the Supreme Ruler, and that soon you will have to make an accounting. But if I did enough cocaine, drank enough Budweiser chased by some Jack with a few pills thrown in (for good measure) I could blow God off for one more day. One more miserable, painful, agonized day. Because, for me, the dope wore off way too quickly. Then in the crushing weight of dawn my pitiable condition was visible even to me, let alone the world.

I saw the fear in these eyes, the self-loathing, the hate. I lashed out at every single person I came in contact with, and I was violent. How violent can a biker chick be? You might ask the dude I beat so bad he crawled under a car to escape. I can still see his face, and it makes me sick, to know how venomous I was. My husband was worse than me, and the two of us joined with groups who were just like us.

Come to think of it, when I watch the news I often see rage and hate filled faces just like mine used to look. But were we meant to look so ugly? Sound so angry? Feel so much hate?

I wonder what the faces of the people who nailed Jesus to a stake looked like. Do you think they looked filled with rage and anger when they yelled at the top of their lungs to Pontius Pilate to execute him?

“To the stake with him!”

The life I was living, the way I felt, the hatred for my fellow man, would I have been in that murderous crowd? Would Jesus have looked on me as I called for him to be killed, the spotless Son of God? The Messiah who God sent to give his life blood as a ransom to pay for all my sins?

I don’t have to wonder. I know God and his only-begotten Son saw my hateful face, every single day I have been on this earth. All 58 years. But the face they see today holds love in her eyes, a light that only began to shine when I turned around, repented, took in accurate knowledge of God’s will and made public declaration that I will serve Him forever.

Oh, what great relief. What a lifting off of weight from my shoulders, stooped shoulders that had carried the burden of hatred and sin for many sad years. Was it hard to change? Yes, in a physical way, it hurt to quit using and drinking-but that pain was brief, and the reward is the best high ever. I thought I would crave the coke, the cigarettes, the drink, forever. But that is not the case. Thru prayer and study of the Bible my compulsions have been lifted, and while I still sin every day I know God will forgive me when I ask and stop whatever I am doing.

The amazing thing is that now that I have learned to love, I have such great love for my heavenly Father that I don’t want to hurt him, ever. I didn’t know my actions actually hurt him, but then I never bothered to learn about the Sovereign of the Universe before. He is Love. He is love.

So, now I am still funny looking, but God’s love makes me beautiful. And this love makes you beautiful to me! I hope some small word of this touches your heart. I hope to see you when this earth is a beautiful place full of humans who love God.

I’m in a New Zoo zone!

…”It’s OK, you are just very energetic…”

Wide Awake!!

Hello friends! I haven’t been writing much, I was changed to some new psychiatric meds for my Bipolar Disorder and they have really thrown me off! Living alone as I do, and staying isolated has left me coping by myself, although I did share my situation with a few brothers and sisters who I’m very close to. I have been experiencing huge bouts of mania in the past 6 months or more, and while that boosts my creativity exponentially, it was destroying me emotionally. And physically.

Truly, it’s like having the angel on one shoulder and the little guy in the red suit on the other saying, ” It’s OK, you are just very energetic…” and ” Look how much art you are creating, this is excellent…” ” You will make so much money!…”

Feeling Very Trippy… Work in Progress…

Yeah, right after I fall over and have a stroke or some other terrible thing. Let alone focusing all my efforts on material stuff instead of what is Truly, TRULY important. We know what that is, because things are rushing along, aren’t they. That has much to do with why I finally got honest with my therapist and my psychiatrist. I need to rest, eat, keep a relatively ‘normal’ schedule so I don’t miss my meetings, so I can think clearly and benefit from my studies.

I am dealing with some disturbing side effects from the new regimen. Worst is the itching, my arms itch me something terrible. The research I have done suggests its got to do with my seretonin levels, which is odd cause he is reducing my Zoloft and trazodone drastically and increasing my lamotrigine to the max (slowly). I’m really trying to follow the new regimen to a T, but its tough when I feel like I’m tripping.

The Sunday lesson really helped, the scriptures hit home and tied in with the new update. I know nothing can separate me from God’s love, so I am hanging on tight. I wish you peace where ever you are, and keeping you close in prayer. There is a saying I have often heard that may bring some cheer : “It won’t be long now!”, said the little dog when his tail was cut off… Well, maybe it’s not a good saying unless you imagine that losing his tail was totally painless!

We might have to experience some pain on our journey, but there is truth in the saying, ” IT WON’T BE LONG NOW.”

peace, brothers.

Inside Voice Series: “Not Quiet Down”

A Glorious Day to Remember!

I am filled with gratitude today. Living on a very spiritual plane these last few days, glorying in the the knowledge of my God’s immeasurable love for mankind-for me! This time of year those who worship my God are meditating on the sacrifice of His only-begotten Son, Jesus Christ, the Messiah.

On Nisan 14, 33CE on the Hebrew calendar, Jesus was nailed to a stake and executed as a criminal. He died so that those who worship his father can have an opportunity to be reconciled to God, have a chance to live forever in perfect health on a healed Earth, and a chance to be with all those who will be resurrected. Like my Mom and Dad.

My Mom died on this day, 11 years ago. It was also the same date as her birth, 3/21/36. Extraordinary, just like her. The comfort I have recieved-knowing that she no longer suffers, but is sleeping and in God’s memory, has been crucial to me. Sure, I grieve, every day she comes to mind in a hundred different moments, bittersweet. Knowing I can be with her, my best friend, again is such a marvelous gift, and Jesus sacrificial death and subsequent resurrection makes this possible! How can my heart not rejoice ?

The Memorial of Jesus Death will be held at sundown on March 27, 2021. This date corresponds to Nisan 14 on the Hebrew Calendar, the Anniversary of Jesus death. In the Bible at Luke 22:19 Jesus told his followers, “Keep doing this in remembrance of me.” As his follower today I do the same and meditated on the wonderful blessings his sacrifice has afforded me. The best one is to have a clean conscience before my God, after a lifetime of flaunting his instruction and leading such a degraded life. I am SO grateful to be loved by my Real Father, one who will always be beside me, as long as I walk with Him. And to love Him in return, a love I had never known I had in me. Such a full heart I have today.

You can go to JW.org to find out how to join me and millions of others worldwide on March 27, 2021, to remember the greatest act of love ever performed: The ransom sacrifice of God’s own Son, Jesus Christ.

(this Memorial is virtual as a safety precaution)

Am I Sad? a post of Faith…

listen man, listen: There is such love to be had…

Yes, I am sad, and angry, tired, aggravated. I want to be motivated, upbeat, excited…joyful. Where has my joy gone? Will it be gone long? How can I bring back that song, that lilting voice calling me into a new day? Hey, c’mon, get up, lets go-put on your dancing shoes!

God’s Promise©STMartin

More like, no-let me alone, bury my head back in the covers again. Why am I so tired? I’m dying, right? We’re all dying, right?

Wrong, wrong, wrong my love: We are all being made alive.

Listen to your brother, Paul, hear him call, down thru the ages, down in the pages of the Word. Haven’t you heard? There is a better life, a real life, joyous with a resounding cry! that I-no, you-no, WE will live in the right-around-the-corner future! Don’t despair-pull up a chair, listen man, listen: There is such love to be had, where there will be no one bad, no one angry or lonely or sick, Wait, it’s true! It can be YOU brother , YOU sister, imagine us living in this promised land…

We CAN, we WILL, wait for it… WE ARE living in this place, even now, I’ll tell you how:

It’s because our Father gave us Jesus, he LOVES US, he HEALS US, we will all sing his praises so, so, so soon. Please don’t give up, rather, get up. Let’s go up to the mountain of the house if Jehovah, and dwell in the shadow of his wings, dwell in His house, dwell in security with no one, NO ONE making us tremble. We won’t learn war anymore, and each one will dwell under his own vine, and under his own fig tree, in his own house made with his own hands.

Nothing in this world can ever separate us from God’s Love. Thats worth getting out of bed for!

“The Sentinel’s Prayer”, acrylic on canvas, Susan T. Martin2017

Praise Him High

Praise Jehovah high, praise Him low,

praise Him everywhere you go,

Praise Him in the house, praise Him on the street,

Praise Jah to ev’ryone you meet.

Praise Him for His Love, praise Him for His Son;

For the battles He’s already won.

Praise Him for this day, praise Him for the night;

Every minute brings us new delight!

Praise Him in the heights of heaven above;

For His Wisdom, Power, Justice and His Love.

Praise Jehovah High, Praise Jehovah Low,

Praise him to every house you go.

Praise him from the Bible, from his holy Word,

Make sure the good news is completely heard.

Praise Him for Jesus, our heavenly King,

For all blessing His Kingdom brings;

Freedom soon from pain, death and the strife

We encounter in our daily life.

We have struggled hard from our birth,

Praise Jah for His Kingdom on Earth!

Praise Jehovah High, Praise Jehovah low,

Praise Him for the peace we already know.

Praise Jehovah for His Might and for His Zeal,

Praise Him, for this Paradise will soon be real!

Praise Jehovah in darkness for great His light

For His Will to save us from our Plight.

Praise Jehovah High, Praise Jehovah low

We praise Him for the Truth we have come to know!

Seven Sisters

I send songs of peace, of rest….

“The Sentinel’s Prayer”, acrylic on canvas, Susan T. Martin2017

To my seven sisters on distant shores, I hear your cries.

The wind does not steal them from my ears.

Inside my chest my heart beats in unison with yours.

I send songs of peace, of rest.

Tribal nations of the distant past-I reach my hand to yours.

I am daughter of a far away land, but my back is also sore.

A day is coming, our One God is sending back to us a King.

He is coming from the heavens: New government he brings.

No longer chained to islands of grass, surrounded by hills of bounty,

We will soon see ancient ones arise on this new mountain.

Peace until the moon is no more, enough for all in every store.

No more hunger, no more want. No more jeering mouths to taunt.

No more race, no more rape. No more twisted lies or hate.

Healing love this King brings; a gift from his great Father!

Oh dear sisters, Dance and Rejoice! Put on your finest feathers!

Our God is a Jealous God, we will worship no other.

No more fear, we can sleep outside. In goodness our feet will stride.

Children will be raised by Mothers. Also by Fathers, sisters, brothers!

Jehovah God will have his day when all that was taken is repaid.

His promised Son will slay the beast-join me at this glorious feast!

Lies will no more be told, nor mankind ruining this earth.

Never again bought or sold; we will share our homes, hearts and hearth.

Reach out far my sisters, far over mountain, over valley.

Call out to those in darkness to come close now. Quell your fears.

The battle is yet to commence, but it is already won.

This is the Sovereign’s Battle. Praise Jah you people!

Pink Dusk©STMartin

Just Offering Hope

No, I don’t have any fancy cures. You don’t need to send any money to a 1-800 number. I just want to share something that lifts me up and makes my heart rejoice every time I hear it:

God loves me, and he forgives me!

I thought I was unloveable…scared, addicted, violent, crazed and oh, so sick…but He loved me even than. So much that he sent his most beloved and first creation:Jesus Christ! to die as a ransom for me. To buy me back, because I was kidnapped by sin when the Devil misled our parents in Eden.

He sent his most beloved to save all mankind… not just me. So wherever you are, and whatever you have done, God wants you to turn around and come back to him.

No, don’t say you can’t… I said that too, not me, he doesn’t want me….You, maybe, but you don’t know what I have done…

No, I don’t, but our God does, and he loves you and wants you back anyway!!!! Yay!

I thought that the people who taught me about God, my friends I have now, were nuts. They didn’t know what I had done, all the people I had hurt. I couldn’t figure out why they were wasting their time…until I took a chance and prayed to Jehovah to show me the way. I broke down and poured my heart out to him, all the fear, all the hate, all the sadness. I prayed in Jesus name, like the Bible says I should do. And amazing things started to happen… not like the parting of the Red Sea, no…. But inside me.

I found it easier to think clearly, to slow down and think before I reacted to people and situations that used to enrage me. I prayed for help to not swear so much, and although I still mess up, I learned to tone it down, and people responded better. I thought I hated everyone, but as I learned more I realized that I was so hurt inside, so broken, that the only way I could function was to unleash all that hurt onto others, and that ususally the one’s who caught it were the people I wanted to love me the most.

I prayed for the pain to go away, and I asked God, in Jesus name to help me. And while I still hurt, the balm of God’s love soothes my broken heart and my broken bones, so that I can cope…without street drugs, and without violence. there are times when I ask Him to send me an Angel, because I feel so crushed. And while I know His angels have so many more important things to do, I can feel God’s love over me like a blanket, drying my tears until I can face the world again.

You don’t have to walk alone in the dark anymore, my friend. Please come in from the cold, the rain, the wind, the burning sun, the blinding blizzard…Come in to where it is safe and you are surrounded by people who really love you. I will save you a place at the table, you don’t even have to take your shoes off…

Just knock… He will answer…

Built Up in Love

…Know that you are loved…

I just attended one of my meetings on Zoom, for Worship. It amazes me how much these 2 meetings per week have become my greatest source of comfort, by seeing all my loving friends. It’s wonderful to feel the warmth-it even comes in loud and clear thru the computer!!

Isolation can be a killer for the mentally ill. There have been times when the only thing pinning me to this fabric of life was contact with another human being. The worst part of being so deeply depressed and out of hope, for me as a Bipolar person who used to have suicidal ideations, was that all I could see, ALL I COULD SEE, was the abyss. I had absolutely no ability on my own at that point to make a decision to reach out of the blackness for help. When you are in the dark, it is difficult to see a friend. The emptyness seems to stretch endlessly away, I had no thought of how I would hurt my loved ones.

I thank my God that someone saw my despair, and made a move, even though I said I was fine. Over and over and over…I would paste on a smile, because we of the depressed masses are SO GOOD AT ACTING, and repeat the phrase, “Oh no, I’m really fine, just a little tired…”, or “Nothings wrong, seriously, I’m fine.” Especially as a teen, I knew just how to shut my Mom down with a roll of my eyes and an exaggerated sigh of frustration. A slammed door worked well too.

At the time in my life when I was suicidal, I was not yet diagnosed with any mental illness. I was a teenager, had been sexually abused routinely, had been drinking and taking drugs for years, and felt so sick inside, mainly with self-loathing. Up to that point, say around age 13, I was starving for love and attention at home. I know now that it was largely in part due to my parents’ exhaustion at working constantly. But there was more. My Dad was tired, constantly, and angry, and he was very grouchy. I was SO sensitive that every word he said was rejection. I was not at all at fault, but I was acting out my need for love in promiscuity. Of course , having been sexually abused by trusted adults beginning at age 8, I’m sure I needed serious counselling even that early, but those were the years before it was ok to talk about such things.

I had many experiences where I heard my best friend and I being blamed for causing the abuse, even at the ages of 8 and 9, by the abusers co-conspiring wife, in the courtroom!!!! Also, the old-fashioned Protestant attitudes exhibited by Grandparents and Aunts and other family members told me in no uncertain terms that these abuses were never to be mentioned again. Nice girls didn’t talk about such things! Nobody will ever want to marry you!! You are “spoiled”now!!

These lies and the ensuing actions of not being cuddled, or hugged, or even being allowed to accompany my beloved little cousin to gymnastics class seared my little heart and mind. How does a child process rejection? She doesn’t know that her family is perpetuating the trauma, or that they are sick too, or just plain mean. She believes the lie that she is unlovable . Imagine for a minute: An eight year old believing it is HER FAULT that she was violated . That Daddy and Grandma don’t love her anymore…

Sin’s Web ©STMartin

So clear to me now, how wrong they were. And it also so WONDERFUL THAT I understand now. I hope so much that someone out there sees this who has a loved in a similar situation, and reaches out to the child, or teenager, or adult…Tell them IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT !!! You are LOVED, AND CHERISHED, AND NOT TO BLAME!!!

The circumstances that the abuse happened under were not caused by you. You absolutely DID NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN, NOR DID YOU MAKE THIS HAPPEN!! Repeat these truths over and over, until you can truly believe them. You must try, even though it may seem to be the hardest thing in the world, to find someone safe to talk to. For me, this was a Doctor at the emergency room, where I wound up after jumping out of a moving car. He really cared, even though I refused to talk initially. He did not judge me, or act shocked, or even run and get my Mom. Today, after years of treating sexual assault the fault of the victim, I would hope that ALL Doctors would give help and comfort to assault victims. This most likely is not the case, so don’t give up in seeking help. There are suicide prevention hotlines you can call, also 911 and 211 in the US. In the front of the phone book, if they still make these, there are lists of helpful organization, also safe places to go.

I know how hard it is to reach out, but you can do it. If you don’t feel up to talking to a human, there is still the BEST FRIEND you will ever have, who you can talk to, Anytime, Anywhere, out loud, or silently from your hurting heart… This person is God. Jehovah is his name, and he is Jesus’ Father. He knows you are hurting, and he wants you to call on him…

I did not believe that God could love me, and I suffered on my own for 20 more years. You don’t have to suffer that long!

Psalm 34:18 says, ” Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 94:19 reads,”When anxieties overwhelmed me, you comforted and soothed me.”

Psalm 27:10 also says, “Even if my own father and mother abandon me, Jehovah himself will take me in.”

For me, praying to God has been my lifeline. Even though I live alone now, I know He hears my prayers anytime and every time. I say, “in Jesus name.”at the end of all my prayers because Jesus tells us at John 14:6 , “No one comes to the Father except thru me.” Thus is because God made Jesus High Priest and God requires that we acknowledge this when we pray! So Jesus also states this truth in the Bible at John 16:3,

” If you ask the Father for anything, he will give it to you in my name.”

One of my favorite verses in the Bible offers me so much insight into God’s love for us . It is in Isaiah 41:10, “Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be anxious, for I am your God. I will fortify you, yes I will help you, I will really hold onto you with my right hand of righteousness.”

I hope this brings you comfort and hope. Know that you are loved…

The SLOG of Joy

Grumble. Growl. Grunt.

.   Swear. Sweat. Stomp.

. Punch. Pound. Pant.

.  Breathe. Binge. Boss.

.  Shout. Scream, Smear.

.  Fall in a heap, exhausted. Then get up, clean up, and do it all over again.

.  There is joy in this. This “living” we do. No matter how sweaty, or dirty, or ugly, this “living” is a beautiful thing.

.   There is no ‘give up’ here, no ‘quit’ , no ‘over it, no ‘packing it in’.

This is where every. breath. matters.

.    DO YOU HEAR ME?

EVERY BREATH MATTERS.

Right now, in my little trailer in the middle of down, down, way down and out USA, I am deciding to care. I am deciding that my sufferings will amount to something, that all this silence and fear and worry  in my heart will be done away with, that with this breath of life my Creator blessed me with will be used to help someone else live, too.

.  I know I’m a rag-tag mess. I can’t think straight most of the time, and there are days I can’t leave my house. I am oppressed by an illness that tells me I don’t have it, and that feeling like I’m sick is a sin. I’m not exhausted, it tells me, I’m lazy. I’m not in excruciating pain, I’m a dope seeker. I was not abused, assaulted and raped, I was promiscuous.

.  I am here, I am now, and with my God’s help, I will reach out to someone else. And with my God’s help, I will not believe the lies. Instead I believe the Bible, God’s own letter to me, and to all his children. I want to live.

A Psalm of My Own

Written after Fighting With Myself All NightWIN_20200720_06_43_02_Pro_LI (3)

.           Jehovah knows my suffering, hears my pleas each day

.          He knows the pain this madness brings, knows I’m made of clay

.          I thought I’d be forsaken, and all my hope was lost

.          I struggled to awaken, eternal darkness was the cost

.          But my God cares for me, He hears my cries and screams

.          He pulls me out of raging seas, makes pleasant peaceful dreams

.          How can I show my thankfulness, show Him my endless love?

.          I’ll walk with Him in faithfulness, Praise God in Heights above!

.          I will love my God whole-souled, pray, meditate and preach

.          No matter how lame, tired, sick or old, new sheep I will love and teach!

Picture 021
Big Sky.(not my photo)