I wonder what it will be like when I don’t have to care for anyone other than myself. Will I go mad? Will I search for little old people at the grocery store to bring home with me? Will I go to the local dive-bar and find an abusive lout in a drunken stupor to bring home and marry?
No, I won’t. I will use my energy and love of my fellow man, to do what my Creator, Jehovah, wants me to do: Help people to come to him.
I know, I know, I hear my followers dropping off like leaves off an oak tree in a hurricane. However, I care not what humans think.( That is a bald faced lie, I am OBSESSED with what other people think of me). But I will do this task anyway, because I was a low down, face in the dirt, puke on the shirt, dead woman walking just 15 years ago. I had blown my life – again. I had drugged and drunk, and lied and sexed until I was an empty puff of dust. Oh wait- I wasn’t empty- I was filled with such self loathing and disgust that I did not care if I lived anymore. I longed for the easy way out, the hot shot, the last hurrah- to be found unidentifiable and dead in a ditch.
I did not want my mother to know what a piece of crap I had become, I had put her through too much. So when they carted my “then husband” away and I was left alone on the outside, I thought my time would come soon. I sold my Mach 1 to hire him a lawyer, and his Shovelhead went too. All to an attorney who was instucted by the Judge at the trial not to say a word in his favor or he would throw away the key, and give him life in prison. I was destitute, all our friends turned on us, and I was a strung out junkie.
Suffice it to say that my decision to serve God came out of gratitude, and love. Because in all my ugliness and worthless despair, He forgave me. Not based on anything I had done, but because He gave Jesus’s life as a ransom to save people like me. People like you, too.
His forgiveness was the only way I could continue living, the only way I could get clean and sober. He saw who I could be, not who I had become. and He showed me how to change, in the pages of the Bible. I never thought I could ever love like other people do. Now, I think He has taught me how. It has to be love to make me want to help a wretch like me.
So… I gotta tell somebody!!!