A Journey to Love over Rough Terrain

An Important Note to my Readers

    Hello Readers, and welcome to my Blog. There are a few VERY IMPORTANT points I would like you to consider when you visit, and read my musings:

   This Blog is NOT in any way endorsed or sponsored by Jehovah’s Witnesses, or the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. They do not back, or have ANYTHING to do with this blog. What I write about is my life experiences, and if I share my faith with you, it is ONLY MY OPINIONS and THOUGHTS.

(  I happen to believe that God has a personal name, and his name is Jehovah. I have made an open declaration that I will serve him forever, and I am baptized as one of his Witnesses, and I do my sinful best to follow the example set by His Son, Jesus Christ. I believe that the Bible is God’s Word, that He inspired some 40-plus humans to write down his words, and despite having many human hands writing, the Bible holds to one marvelous and  constant theme:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Jehovah’s Complete Sovereignty over all the Universe. He gave his only-begotten son, Jesus Christ as a ransom for sinful mankind, so that we can have a clean standing before Jehovah if we repent, exercise faith in Jesus Christ, take in accurate knowledge of God’s Word, and make open and public declaration of our love and loyalty to Jehovah by being fully immersed in a water baptism.)

Who I Was, and how I came to Love God

A Brief Overview:

   My life was a mess, I was a drug addict and alcoholic, as well as being immoral and involved in illegal activities. I was depressed to the point of suicide, I had been incarcerated a couple of times and turned 18 in a locked psychiatric ward. I had lost my family, because they wanted nothing to do with me. I had robbed the store I worked in, and run away, and everyone had lost confidence in me. I had married a very violent and abusive man who had spent more of his life in prison than out of it. After he was arrested I was lost, afraid, and wanted to die. I loathed myself, and felt that God hated me. I thought that if I did not pray to him, or think about him that he wouldn’t see what I had done. I thought I could somehow hide myself behind the smoke and the alcohol, and behind all the other sad people doing the same things I was. I was an empty shell with the appearance of a human being, but I was just a slave to Jehovah’s enemy. I knew I was dead inside, and I fully expected to die physically very soon.

   I was shooting up as much coke as I could get, still somehow holding a job. I drank my first beer about nine in the morning, just to settle my nerves enough to get out of bed. I smoked two packs of Marlboro reds every day, or more if I was getting high. I had many partners, using them for money and drugs while my husband was in prison. I had contracted Hepatitis C and the doctors expected my liver to fail in 20 years, if I quit drinking and drugging. They said this when I was 32. When I couldn’t get powder cocaine, I would smoke crack, staying awake for days on end.

   I tried many times to quit and I made promises to my Mom, the only person who still cared, only to break my sobriety within hours. They called me the “White Chip Queen” due to the fact that I picked up so many “surrender” poker chips at AA meetings. I had been in Detox twice, and my family had paid $20,000.00 for a 30 day rehab, and about the same amount for the 45 days in Western Psychiatric Institute. I had lost cars, had police impound them, stolen my father’s retirement fund, stolen and pawned my Grandfather’s gold teeth, and let my beautiful dog starve to death. I had aborted the only child I would ever carry when I was just 15, and had been raped numerous times by my friends boyfriends, as well as being molested as a 9 year old.

   I was totally alone, and completely crushed when I finally decided to kill myself on September 26th, 1999. I told my dealer that night at the poolroom that I was going straight. He offered me an 8 ball (1 eighth of an ounce) of powder coke , I told him I was broke. Out of the kindness of his heart he said he would just give it to me. I knew  now that Satan had me by the throat . I went to my parent’s house and found an old syringe I had stashed away, and I started shooting up. I kept trying to put more and more of the drug into the shots, and I snorted some too. I felt my heart pounding harder than ever before, and I was pouring sweat. I had tears running down my face because I couldn’t even OD the right way! Finally, I made up a huge dose, and I stood there looking at the full needle. Suddenly, out of the blue, I went to my knees. Crying out to God, I begged Him this one last time to help me, pouring my heart out in prayer.

   Then, out of the blue I saw a picture clearly in my mind, of a candle-with the smallest flame that it could have without going out! The flame flickered, and blew, but the tiny flame hung on. I knew now, in my heart, that I was seeing my life right there in that tiny flame, ready to be snuffed out. I dropped the syringe and bowed my head, thanking God for saving me.

   I was still very high, and afraid, and my addicts brain could not throw the dope away. So I went to a friend’s house, thinking he would help my get rid of the coke. He let me in, and we sat out by his swimming pool. When I offered him the drugs he flinched backwards, pushing the dope across the table.

   “Don’t you know I am Clean and Sober???!!!!” He was clearly very angry.

   “I am so sorry- I didn’t know… Can you PLEASE help me? I am so sick, so tired. Please, Teddy…”

   He agreed, and after more tears he had me dump the baggie of drugs into the swimming pool. A few hours later, when the morning sun rose, we went a few miles down the road to an AA meeting. I haven’t had a drink or an illegal drug in the 22 years since that day.

   I want you to know how I got sober, to show you that I was given another chance. It took a couple years for me to figure out what I believed, I went to some pretty wild churches. But I was never satisfied. Not until one day when I was taking my lunch break on the Horse Farm, and reading my Bible as I ate. It was such tough reading, and I couldn’t understand it. But then I saw God’s name on the page, and it lit up in my mind’s eye like a golden ray of sunshine:  Jehovah.  JEHOVAH!!

   I remembered many, many years ago, when I was just a little girl, that my Aunt took me to Bible studies with Jehovah’s Witnesses. And I remembered how kind and loving the people were, and how beautiful the songs were. So, right then and there, I called my Aunt, who herself is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and asked her what I should do. She gave me a phone number, and to make a long story shorter, I studied the Bible with the local Witnesses.

After meeting the woman who would conduct my study, I felt truly loved and cared about for the first time in many years. I learned about the Apostle Paul, and how he stood by to witness the stoning of Stephen, yet Jehovah forgave him. Sister Lottie had tears in her eyes when I came to believe that Jehovah could forgive me, and she saw a light in my eyes that had never been there before. I cried too. I cried for all the wrongs I had done- but I also cried with joy and thanksgiving.

“I can be forgiven! I can be!!! God loves me!!! He really LOVES me!!

My life now truly changed forever. After almost 2 years of studying with another sister who I love, many months of that with my Mom joining in, I was baptized on July 25th, 2003. The happiest day of my life, and the beginning of a marvelous new life, full of hope and dreams of eternal peace worldwide. But it is an ongoing process, I work everyday to put on the new personality.

Brand New Day
Brand New Day

I believe what is says in the Bible at Revelation 21, verses 3, and 4;

” And He will wipe out every tear from their eye, and death will be no more, neither will mourning , nor outcry, nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

*Update* I had taken this page down and made it private some months back. I have had to look inward and assess my reason for this. My relationship with God had been the primary focus of my life for over 16 years, and I knew then (as I know now) that Jehovah requires exclusive devotion. I thought my position was firm, secure, and that I was perfectly loyal and would always remain so.

   I was not fooled by the lures of this world, I never wanted fame or wealth I believed. Serving God was my primary focus. Sure, I was poor by any standard, but all my needs were provided for, just as the Bible tells us they will be if we trust in Jehovah. And I had been so deeply immersed in Satan’s deadly lies that when I broke free from the drugs and depravity I was sure that these things would NEVER lure me again. (Hmmmm… When “I” broke free? Hmmmm….)

    The Bible tells us that Satan is “the father of the lie”, and that he transforms himself into “an angel of light”…and we certainly do know that God can undo anything that the wicked one can throw at us, and that one day thru Jesus Christ he will be done away with forever. What if I was being misled, though? What if the insidious lure of materialism was worming its way into my heart? No…. No… No?

   This blog had been about my faith, my love of God, and my desire to share this light with everyone who read it…why was I now deleting all the posts that talked about Jehovah? Why was I taking whole pages down, rewording old posts? Why had the whole feel of my writing changed?

   I will tell you why…Because somewhere along the way I had begun to put my “career” before my worship of God. I had become more concerned with what my “Art” profile looked like, and who I would alienate with my “God talk”. Now my posts on “The Wind” were less frequent, less urgent, less beautiful… My focus wasn’t on helping anyone else, it was only on impressing some imaginary art dignitaries who might stop by. Wait, what?!? I have zero views, and no one important to my art life cares about my little personal musings…. Why was this suddenly so important to me that I would basically hide my faith from view?

    Because I had allowed my PRIDE and my EGO to take hold of my purpose. I had, early on in my going public with my art, thought about how associating with people in the artistic community would affect my  focus. Would I go back to my old people pleasing ways? Would I bend to the whims of the popular trends? No, I reasoned, no, I was just doing this to raise my standard of living a bit…it was just a job, an occupation…I would have more time to focus on serving God if I wasn’t worried about bills all the time… 

Are you starting to see where my thinking began to shift? Like a telescope slowly turning from a view of the heavens to that view being totally blocked by my own image. As my focus has changed, so has my joy diminished…now my view seems dark and distorted. I obsess endlessly over social media accounts, I spend money I don’t have to enter art shows in the vain hope that my work will be noticed. My art itself has changed also. Themes now focus on my inner turmoil, confusion, depression…just the kind of thinking that the evil one likes to cloud my mind with. Because when my vision is distorted, I can’t see my path clearly. And if I veer off of this path, how will I ever get thru the “narrow gate”?

   I am so grateful to see my missteps now, while I have time to retrace them and make them straight. I know that Jehovah does not want any to be destroyed, but desires all to attain repentance. I want to bask in the golden sunlight of His love again. 

   So, all things being said, it is a great day to be alive…a great day to thank my God, Jehovah for free will, for a loving heart, for all the peace a clean conscience brings. And to thank him constantly for the gift of his perfect Son, Jesus, thru whom I am forgiven. I will end this page for now, to go pour my heart out to my God, Jehovah, the Great Artist.

    ***************************************************************************************

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