Fear of Falling and Failing

“…riding this unending wave of…unrealistic optimism…delusions of grandeur…”

I had been manic for over a week after sharing my art in a sexual assault survivors show, and talking to people there. There are times when I forget what lurks just under the surface, because I have been way off center since then. Of all things, I was so high the night of the show that I went next door to this Huge sculpture shop and blabbed about myself and how I want to sculpt (which I do), and introducing myself th the owner. He was very kind and personable, and sent me to talk to his designer, who was also very kind, very charismatic and really got me wanting to work in a shop again.

Flashback #937, mixed media on canvas ©SusanTMartin2017

I got a wee bit off the beam, though. I came home and started writing a grant proposal while simultaneously applying to this famous sculpture artist’s shop, while also offering to be an apprentice, and messaging the director in a crazily familiar manner… Whew! I am mortified when I think about it. Not only was I manic that day, I was on a roll for days and days, seemingly riding this unending wave of optimism. Unrealistic optimism, which I do believe is called delusions of grandeur.

the mirror…

Ah well, I guess I have a lot to be grateful for, I am clean and sober today so I didn’t try to seduce anyone, or get drunk and puke on anyone! Yes, that is a huge thing to be grateful about, because 21 years ago I had serious regrets after a night out. Oh boy. How easy to forget how far I’ve come!

I know now that I never have to go back to being an addict or an alcoholic, but how dare I ever forget this gift of sobriety. I know in the rooms of AA we would talk about keeping it fresh…I’m glad I’m writing to you now or I may not have remembered to be grateful. “Out of the mire and the sediment… You put my feet on a crag…a new song in my mouth…praise to our God!”

hope

I just heaved a great big sigh of relief, that all I have today is a gift, and I have so, so much more than I could ever deserve. To breathe to cool night air, to reflect on a day well lived, with a soft bed to sleep in and warm food in my belly. There was a different time back then- but it’s time to walk away from that wreckage in my mind. Pack it all back up into the little ammo can it lives in, bury it deep in the earth and let it dissolve into nothingness. I know that one day the memories will never hurt me again, and I will keep pushing on until that day comes.

Peace to you, my friends.

Author: ST Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...

Daydreaming as a profession

Daydreaming and then, maybe, writing a poem about it. And that's my life.

emotionspassion.com

Emotional musings

she wrote

liv | poetry | 1997

COLORFUL SISTERS

Traveling Fashion Designers 🌼

Into the Unknown

all journeys start from the within

LikesInternetMarketing.com

Digital marketing blog with articles on affiliate marketing, digital marketing and how to make money online without personally selling anything.

quotidian

Evolving Thoughts

CheChe's Journal

The writerly musings of a mindful Mood Disorder survivor.

Maria Vincent Robinson

Photographer Of Life and moments

Bit of everything

Go with the flow-lifestyle blog

Becoming is Superior to Being

I come closest to succeeding by sharing.

Keys' Sparks

Igniting the fire in you

Ken Hallett Blog

Writing Lostness

Virtual Marionette

Your eyes, my lines.

Rain Coast Review

Thoughts on life... by Donald B. Wilson

From Equator to Igloo

Tales of silly adventures for basic amusement

Dr. Eric Perry

Psychology to Motivate | Inspire | Uplift

My Serene Words

Seeking Solace in the horizon of life & beyond

Izabell Key

breathe to write

Elan Mudrow

Smidgens

Chai and ChaCha

Chai & Chacha

Lluís Bussé

Barcelona's Multiverse | Art | Culture | Science

Susan T. Martin

Visionaria

Sincerely Sober

Living & Loving My Sober Life!

The Alchemist's Studio

Raku pottery, vases, and gifts

The Wind

blowing thru my BIPOLAR life...

Bittersweet turns

Deep Down Inside...

Invitation to the Garden

gardens, garden history, garden tours, landscape design, herbs, perennials, roses, Southern culture, Southern cuisines, travel

~Borderline~I~Am~

Hey, Nice to meet all of you, my name is Heather. I have BPD. I am here to share my everyday struggles with you, be a support for you, and I am here to chat with you if you want to chat...:)

maggiemaeijustsaythis

through the darkness there is light

@BipolarUs

FollowUs @BipolarUs: A Global Bipolar Support Group • twitter.com/BipoIarUs • BipoIarUs.tumblr.com • facebook.com/BipoIarUs • instagram.com/BipoIarUs • BipoIarUs@outlook.com

Cristian Mihai

builds stuff

Jeyna Grace

A Story Begins

%d bloggers like this: