Angry, Squirmy, Restless, Hungry…

I feel all tied up in knots inside, this feeling happens pretty often. I’ve missed a day of one of my Psych Meds, but usually it doesn’t effect me so soon if I miss a dose. So I am not sure that has anything to do with this terrible discomfort I feel.

The rain has been nonstop for days, and while I love rain for all its wonderful benefits, when it’s like this in Florida for weeks on end, it gets old. You keep the AC running so you don’t drown in the humidity, but you still feel sticky…and icky. I have been in a serious downward mood spiral this past week. Not doing dishes right away, no washer and no money to do laundry. No money always seems to effect my mood, even if I say it doesn’t bother me to be poor. It is this thing, this elephant in the room

The isolation is not helping my mental state, either. I already withdraw from society due to my Bipolar Disorder, and PTSD, this situation just adds to it. I had a psychiatrist tell me once, when I had not been permitted to drive due to an undiagnosed seizure condition, that if I did not drive, at least once in a while, that I would probably lose the ability to – due to fear. I can really understand that now, and how it would be so easy to let that happen with the act of going out in public too.

I love the outdoors, but I feel so exposed when I walk in my neighborhood. The people are not very nice, all absorbed in their own little nightmares. I have alienated some, but I really try to be considerate and helpful. I cut the grass of my closest neighbors, just out of kindness. Maybe that’s nutty, but it makes me feel closer to God.

I feel like I messed up yesterday, by letting my crazy neighbor push my buttons about feral cats. It was SO stupid, but I got so upset that I swore at him, loudly, not just once, but a couple times… He was trying to get me upset on purpose, I could see it in his eyes, and after I lost it I felt so ashamed.

I could just hear the sniggering laughter of the tormentor, when I went over the edge and saw red. I want to cry now, just remembering. I did not give a good witness. I am trying to do more witnessing, people need hope more than ever right now. And the dark side rears its head so easily when you are under stress, or feeling hopeless. I want to be one to offer the hope of God’s promises to hurting people. I want to be an example of the grace my God, Jehovah, provides. To shine his beautiful love like a mirror. I can’t do that with my mouth all twisted around swear words.

Now that I remember that incident, that could have much to do with how I am feeling now. I think this ugly feeling is due to letting that incident stay with me, the shame and guilt I feel for failing. I did pray for forgiveness, and I know God hears me, but perhaps I did not let go of it myself?

The other thing I am realizing is what I learned about the devil’s tactics, that perhaps I had forgotten. He knows what works against humans. He’s had 6000 years to study humans, and one of his favorite tools is discouragement. It is poison to a cheerful heart. I also know that all those years I hid in the darkness, afraid to change, afraid to get well, to get clean… that I was afraid of what he would do to me if I did.

Sin’s Web ©STMartin

I know now that I was afraid of the wrong person. Because Jehovah God is more powerful than anything that the evil one can do. In the Bible it says at Proverbs 18:10:”The name of Jehovah is a strong tower. Into it the righteous run and are given protection.” Also in the book of Psalms,61:3 it reads:”For you are my refuge, a strong tower that protects me from the enemy.”

Happy Joyous and Free©STMartin

We know that we have help to keep fighting the good fight, God gave us His Word, the Bible, as a beautiful guidebook. And he gave his perfect, powerful Son, Jesus Christ, as King of God’s Kingdom, now reigning in the heavens!!! It is so close to being here on the Earth, just a short time more and all God’s Promises will be fulfilled! Just hold on, my friends.

In my mind’s eye I can see children playing in the grass with lion cubs, while bright birds of every color sing from every tree. The smell of good food cooking, as friends and family from every nation gather around to enjoy it. Laughter and music fill the air, there are no wheelchairs or canes, no graveyards or people crying over dead loved ones. I look up from the table where I sit and see my Mom walking towards me, smiling, Young and healthy…alive again. And look! There is Dad! He looks great! He talks to me and his mind is clear and sane… I see people I have loved and lost all around me, and famous people from the long distant past! Hey, isn’t that Moses? He looks exactly like I imagined, and he’s chatting with some celebrity from years ago….And there, isn’t that Michaelangelo the artist? Guess what, he is teaching me to paint like he does! And Motzart will teach you how to play piano!! Do you think Beethoven is coming back too? Well, yes, everyone is, like it tells us in the Bible where Jesus said at John 5:28:”Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming when all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out”!!!

It will happen, soon. I want all of us to be there, to live lives free from pain, free from hatred, free from the last enemy, death. Keep putting your next foot forward, and don’t look back. I think I glimpsed my wrecked past today, but I’ve turned back to the path ahead now, and I don’t feel ugly or angry anymore.

Thank you, dear reader, for listening. And


Psalm 83:18: May people know that you, whose name is JEHOVAH, YOU ALONE are Most High over All the earth.

I don’t feel angry anymore…i feel humble, grateful, safe and loved…

Author: ST Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...