Self sabotage…Setting myself up to be even more discouraged and sad…Do you think it’s possible? I KNOW IT IS BECAUSE I AM DOING IT! I stay up all night painting , knowing how guilty I will feel when I sleep till 2am. Not going to my Therapy appointments and making lame (and untru) excuses, even though I am absolutely certain that seeing my therapist would be so healing. Refusing to go to the pharmacy for eye medicine when I KNOW I will feel bad for not giving my dog his eye drops. I refuse to do dishes for days, and am sickened by the sight of dirty dishes… And on and on. When I finally allow myself to snap out of this zombie -like hate ride I’m on, I will go into a cleaning frenzy , one that will over-reach my physical condition’s limitations. Then I can feel guilty about that! AAARGH! The torment is endless it seems! I build my own fire, tie myself to the stake, and stand writhing in the flames with scissors in my hand…
Just maybe I can step out of the bonfire soon, if I could put my finger on what is really bothering me. I think it may be the fact that I botched up my finances so badly last month, and am suffering for it this month. I feel so overwhelmed and frightened that I am losing control . I am too ashamed to tell my Aunt (who I chose as an emotional replacement for my dead mother) that I bounced three transactions in October and had to pay 7 thirty six dollar fees, plus the money to cover the mistakes. All because I accidentally paid a bill 2 times online… So I owed half of my Disability Check before it even came.
I had to go to the County food pantry last week, and I am maxed out on my 2 new credit cards… But I sit here with a house full of things and art I can sell. I have myself convinced that I’m an awful artist, even though I just went to Chicago for a prestigious award for one of my works! I must really hate myself. However, I do believe that knowing the cause of my emotional upheaval will help me get well again soon… (at least start functioning again, and quit punishing myself for a while).
I think I am on an upswing… things don’t seem quite so dark. Perhaps using my new Cpap machine is helping. But the past 2 weeks I am just SO tired, I don’t want to get up at all. I am such a fatalist that I imagine all sorts of physical ailments just sucking the life out of me. Also, I think wild , depressive thoughts about how sinful and hopeless I am, as far as being a better Christian. Even though I believe and know that discouragement is one of the Devils most successful tactics to Hurt a persons relationship with God.
I know that I am forgiven for my past wrongs up to the time I was baptized, and that God’s Son came to this Earth as a Ransom for sinful mankind, and that as long as I am TRULY repentant and turn away from a bad course and beg for forgiveness on the basis of Jesus sacrifice that God forgives. I know and believe that God IS love-but I STILL think I am just SO BAD and I flog myself mentally all day long.
How much of this is Mental Illness? Why does a person torment themselves? Van Gogh did it, and I’m sure other sensitive souls do it. All the head knowledge I have accumulated over years of study and self examination and research has not helped me to quit condemning and unfavorably judging myself as worthless when the darkness overtakes me,
All I can do is pray and pray and hang on by the thinnest of frayed threads, until the light floods in again. I am hanging on, and I think I see a glimmer of a new dawn in the eastern sky…Oh, I hope so… I do hope so…