Turning Around, I Find Myself Again

As I sit here in my tiny home, a little chilled on this December night, I am filled with gratitude. That I was brave enough to write all the posts I have written here on this blog, over the past years. I was feeling very old tonight, and very “stuck” in my Bipolar mind, immobilized and miserable. Comparing my “sleepy today self” to my “energetic last week” self, feeling icky and fat and any other negative feeling I can think up to tack on to the list.

I recently (last week) came out of the fog of denial about my size…I’m not sure what pulled the veil off my eyes, but *darnit* it’s gone. It could have been the 2 boxes of Russell Stover Chocolates … I refuse to tell you about them. Hey, I joined Weight Watchers again last week-quit judging me…So what if I didn’t track a whole day yet…So what if I made pumpkin pie today…I haven’t eaten all of it…*yet*…I am rationalizing how hard everything is for poor poor little old me…But I’m not so little these days. And I get tired so, so SOOOO easily.

I rolled around in my misery a little while today, but finally prayed to Jehovah to help me get up and move around. I need to be getting up early and preaching the good news, and I will if I can sleep thru the night. I just lay there in agony. What is it that keeps one so immobilized, when they know what they need to do to get well?

Author: ST Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...

Tony A. Blue

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