I wanted to revive my “Windy” Blog, and revisit some earlier themes, subjects, and kind of juxtapose where I am today, and how far I have come. Or not. I had intended for my other blog, “Out of the Gutter Art” to be a portfolio, and strictly visual, with perhaps a poem thrown in for good measure here and there.
Somehow it morphed into an entity of its own, wordy and conficted, another journal of my struggles with depression and sadness. And a litany of fears, road blocks and struggle. I am pretty much shocked in looking at my media for this blog, and seeing the beautiful and peaceful photos of my happy self during happy times.
I suppose I had fooled myself into thinking I am so “recovered” , so “improved”, so much more “talented”, “cured” , “mature”, and that I am “over” all the loss and bereavement I have gone through. I guess on one hand, I am. I say this because I am no longer looking at this blog, or interacting with it, that I kind of Buried it, and all the things I wrote about.
However, I must remember that this prettier girl I see in these old photos, are still me, or rather, I am still her. Me, just a few years, and a lifetime of sad experiences, older. There has been joy, there has been growth, but I see in my face today a weariness that I don’t see in these older images… Life wears us all down, and loss of loved ones especially so… But I hope this shock to my system, this jolt awake of seeing how loving and at peace I was, needs to be a catalyst to me.
A tool in this inner renewal process that I am embarking on now.