Coming to Life

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I wanted to revive my “Windy” Blog, and revisit some earlier themes, subjects, and kind of juxtapose where I am today, and how far I have come. Or not. I had intended for my other blog, “Out of the Gutter Art” to be a portfolio, and strictly visual, with perhaps a poem thrown in for good measure here and there.

Somehow it morphed into an entity of its own, wordy and conficted, another journal of my struggles with depression and sadness. And a litany of fears, road blocks and struggle. I am pretty much shocked in looking at my media for this blog, and seeing the beautiful and peaceful photos of my happy self during happy times.

I suppose I had fooled myself into thinking I am so “recovered” , so “improved”, so much more “talented”, “cured” , “mature”, and that I am “over” all the loss and bereavement I have gone through. I guess on one hand, I am. I say this because I am no longer looking at this blog, or interacting with it, that I kind of Buried it, and all the things I wrote about.

However, I must remember that this prettier girl I see in these old photos, are still me, or rather, I am still her. Me, just a few years, and a lifetime of sad experiences, older. There has been joy, there has been growth, but I see in my face today a weariness that I don’t see in these older images… Life wears us all down, and loss of loved ones especially so… But I hope this shock to my system, this jolt awake of seeing how loving and at peace I was, needs to be a catalyst to me.

A tool in this inner renewal process that I am embarking on now.

Right Now.

With my Mom, Carol, a year after her diagnosis of terminal rectal/colon cancer. She is the best friend I ever will have, and I am really looking forward to her resurrection!!! This is what keeps me pushing on!
playing around 094
here I am after Mom had died, well into my Dad’s last years of Severe Dementia and Alzheimer’s. I was his, and Mom’s sole caregiver.
more self portraits 011
seems like an eternity ago, when my hair was long, and I still felt pretty. This is before all the accidents, surgeries and injuries and before Mom died.
Artwork and Pictures 082
Baby me in my favorite coat
visit with Eric, Gail, and Christian,2011 013
Flamingo Billiards Tour at Amy’s Billiards (pictured) The Year Before Fall

Author: ST Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...