Will The Real Me Please Come Back?

Picture 343Forgetting  where I have come from is a double edged sword. Those who forget the past are doomed to relive it, I have heard. Most of mine I would rather not relive, but I want to keep all the lessons I have learned. I have some trouble in that area, because I keep getting the same type of unfavorable reaction from others. I hate rejection and discord, so I must look inside again. Because that must be where the problem lies: character flaws.

I had thought I was a pleasant person, funny, clever, and interesting. During Dad’s recent hospitalization I made many videos to document the whole ordeal. I have him home now, and I was looking over my tablet, watching the videos. I see how obnoxious I am. It is no wonder I have trouble interacting with professional medical people. I come off as a stuck-up, angry know-it-all, and not a bit charming and likeable like I want to be. What a slap in the face, and tho’ it stings, I believe this rude awakening will help me immensely in the larger picture. That being my interactions with everyone else in the world from here on in!!!

I fancied that I had changed much since becoming a baptised Christian ten years ago. Even though I have heard Biblical warnings about our work never being done, always striving to keep putting on the “new personality”, I guess I thought that counsel only applies to people with obvious, blatant flaws. Not mild, loving, modest, kind people such as myself.

Oh, baloney. There I was, captured in the camera, loud, overly made-up, trying to look thirty something, ranting on and on about how inept everyone else is. I have been blaming my lack of friends on the fact that people are so busy nowadays, now I realize they have most likely been avoiding me like the plague. Because everything I talk about is negative, just like the way I write my blog! I am really embarassed, but not so much that I will give up and go away.

I always do better when I have a “mission”, a “cause”, and my mission is to lose this “hard butt, know -it-all facade. To let the love, the light back into m weary soul. To become that quiet and mild person who I know still waits for me, deep inside. She wants me to find my way back again, to stand by that gently gurgling brook where I go to in my inner world. To sit calmly under my giant oak tree and glory in the wonders of Creation. To praise my God, and to be His daughter, to let all these awful worries and fears leave me.

To just be Susan again, not angry at the whole world, but rather a gentle, loving part of the healing that this heart needs. I am still in here somewhere, a frightened little girl, looking for acceptance, love, and a friend.

I will get there some day:)

Author: ST Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...

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