I Want To LIVE!!!

???????????????????????????????????????????????????? Have you ever been given a second chance? I really feel today like I have. A chance to suck in all the air I can breath, see all the colors of the spectrum, and dance under a starry sky!!

I had been having sharp pain in my right shoulder and right leg, which I have been attributing to surgeries I had in 2014. But then, as the last month has passed I noticed my breathing has been labored at night. That seemed to be getting worse, as well as the pain in my right shoulder, top chest area, so I suspected I had pneumonia. I called my PC (primary care physician as we say here in the U.S.), but he was not available and they recommended I go to the E.R. I made arrangements with my Dad’s caregiver for her to cover for me on Thursday morning for a couple hours, so I could go.

I told them all my symptoms, and they sent me for many tests. Then the Doctor dropped a bombshell. I have a blood clot on my right lung, a “pulmonary embolism”!  He looked so sad when he said it, I feared I was going to die right away. But he said I did the right thing by coming to them, and that they would start my treatment right away! I was admitted and taken to a room about 4 pm. What a shocker!

I got out last night, they wanted to keep me for 4 days. I explained my situation with Dad, and how I had to hire a caregiver for while I was in the hospital and pay cash. So the doctor helped me to get out by getting me the medicine to take here at home. Hopefully this blood thinner will help the clots to disapate, and I will be right as rain- right away!!!


On another note…

I have had to examine my feelings about death, which I had recently observed would be such a welcome relief. I feel very bad that I ever even thought such a thing, let alone saying it out loud, or in print! I LOVE LIFE!! I know that I was in extreme pain when I felt that, and I have had weak moments before when I have felt like giving up- but to ever prefer death to the magnificent experience of living is to slap my Creator in the face!!! Never shall that be so!


the fall at arby's,con't 079Picture 643Picture 590110 Banyan, abandoned and vandalized 021

Dearest Jehovah, my Heavenly Father, please forgive me for ever wishing to die, for ever forgetting what a gift you have given me- this precious breath of life. How dare I say I would willingly discard this life, so casually to proclaim that I would prefer no existence to the effervescent joy of living- I am a miserable sinner, Dear Jehovah, and I am sorry. Please forgive me in my ignorance, to forget, even for an instant, the mercy you have shown me. You, Dear God, have shown me wondrous things: From soaring hawks to herds of mighty elk. From the desert so quiet,  to the sea so boisterous. You have shown me so many human faces, some full of joy, others, pain, but all beautiful in their reflection of you. You have shown me sunsets to buckle my knees with their splendor, Splendor that really is yours, My God.

I am so grateful for this life, Heavenly Father. For every moment that I have squeezed the juice from, till my thirst for living would be quenched- only for a second, because in your Might, new vistas open to my eyes. New experiences, new senses, new emotions, new loves. Please forgive your servant, Dear Jehovah, I have been a foolish, foolish girl.

Please lead me on, to whatever the next moment brings. Oh, Jehovah, thank you. Thank you for the Sacrifice of your Son, Christ Jesus, who you gave at Great Cost for a sinner like me. Thank You for Your undeserved kindness, Jehovah. And for giving us all a chance to repent and take in accurate knowledge, and dedicate ourselves to you, Jehovah. I never thought I could love the way other people do Jehovah, but you have taught me a greater love, a never-ending love. I praise your name forever, Jehovah.

In Jesus dear name I send this prayer to you,



Author: ST Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...

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