• I have been singing and humming today to mask the pain. It is SO hard not to take it personally when Dad is unhappy and hateful. I feel like it is me he is rejecting, and it hurts just as much as it did as a kid. Even though my brain knows that it is this disease called Alzheimer’s. I was never resentful of my Mom for having cancer, but I am hateful and mean to Dad, blaming him for the fact that I am his caregiver. Blaming him for the fact that his son does not call, or visit, or offer to give me a break after all these years. I resent Dad for things he did to the family 40 years ago, or more. Such old grudges, so painful and heavy to carry…

Today Dad threatened me with physical violence again, screaming obscenities and brandishing his cane at me. He did it in front of Rose, his caregiver, and now she has to report it to her boss. So, another wrinkle on the big sheet of life.

Big Sheet.

I am so tired right now I think my eyeballs are going to explode. Talk to you later, my friends.

Author: ST Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...

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