Categories
alzheimer's codependency depression grief

Lagging Behind vs Forging Ahead

   Which is it? What shall we do? just give in to the part of us that says, “throw in the towel.” “Give in .” ” Take a Break.” ” You earned some time off,”

   Do I tell you how tired I am, how terrified… how I hate the sound of my own voice, my own blog? How can I be upset at the lack of readership when I don’t want to read it either? You know, I have always written, as long as I can remember. And I never cared who read it. God reads the secret person of my heart. Does he know my heart is broken? A husband I had to turn my back on, because he abused me. Friends I chose to leave behind because they were all addicts and users like me. A mother who died five years ago of a horrific disease, who I still miss so much it cleaves me in two. And a house full of the empty rattlings of my sick and crazy father. Oh, and pain. I forgot to mention my ever present companion, but you are as sick of hearing me whine, as I am of doing it.

  My Mom’s cat, Munson, Is dying. I promised her that I would take care of him. But I can’t anymore. I can’t keep him alive any more than I could her. It feels like watching her die all over again. 

  And I’m gripped with an awful sense of dread that Daddy is going to die soon. too. 

   I took extra medicine to sleep last night. And I asked God to forgive me for doing it. I watched a pinprick of light thru my half closed eyes until it disappeared. and I prayed for relief.

   Am I disappearing?  

 

  Ahh well, another night. Into the black.

By Susan T. Martin

I am an Artist, Poet and Author. A Survivor of Violent Sexual Abuse and Rape, I have lived thru Severe Domestic Violence, Twenty Three years of Addiction and Alcoholism, Family Dysfunction, Chronic Pain, Dependence on Opioids, and 2 Venomous Snake Bites...I have Been Stabbed, Shot at, Tied to a Tree and Choked Unconscious. A Quarter Horse Rolled on Me, as did a Lawn Tractor. I also Wrecked a Harley into a Tree! I also have PTSD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, and spent my 18th birthday in a Locked Psychiatric Ward. I am so much more than this: I feel like a tiny seed that sprouted in a desert, and now has grown into a Passion Vine. My Art is my Voice, Screaming, Crying, Praying, Loving, Laughing, Healing- all in Riotous Color...

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