Which is it? What shall we do? just give in to the part of us that says, “throw in the towel.” “Give in .” ” Take a Break.” ” You earned some time off,”
Do I tell you how tired I am, how terrified… how I hate the sound of my own voice, my own blog? How can I be upset at the lack of readership when I don’t want to read it either? You know, I have always written, as long as I can remember. And I never cared who read it. God reads the secret person of my heart. Does he know my heart is broken? A husband I had to turn my back on, because he abused me. Friends I chose to leave behind because they were all addicts and users like me. A mother who died five years ago of a horrific disease, who I still miss so much it cleaves me in two. And a house full of the empty rattlings of my sick and crazy father. Oh, and pain. I forgot to mention my ever present companion, but you are as sick of hearing me whine, as I am of doing it.
My Mom’s cat, Munson, Is dying. I promised her that I would take care of him. But I can’t anymore. I can’t keep him alive any more than I could her. It feels like watching her die all over again.
And I’m gripped with an awful sense of dread that Daddy is going to die soon. too.
I took extra medicine to sleep last night. And I asked God to forgive me for doing it. I watched a pinprick of light thru my half closed eyes until it disappeared. and I prayed for relief.
Am I disappearing?
Ahh well, another night. Into the black.
