I’ve been riding pretty high these last couple days, and that always worries me. When I have all kinds of energy, and can’t stop cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes, weeding the garden, raking, washing dogs, making homemade tapioca pudding, and generally running around like some crazed cleaning lady- that’s when I know I am manic. Very manic. And when I am manic, there is some issue, some emotion, fear, sadness, dread or pain that I am not addressing. So, as good as it feels to get all these things done-I know that soon the other shoe will drop.
You may wonder, and I can understand this, why I don’t just enjoy the “high”, just “go with it” and not project ahead to the impending crash. But, as someone with Bipolar Disorder, I can tell you from experience- That is a VERY dangerous stance to take. That falls right up there on the list of Bipolar “Don’ts” with not taking your meds. What has happened when I have “gone with the flow” in the past are some devastating consequences such as going back into active addiction and bankruptcy from a very pricey trip to a jewelery store with a credit card. I also purchased 2 and a half acres of land in a flood plain, fenced said land, and had it cleared and a well dug on it, all within a week, and all with same credit card.
Needless to say, after years of paying all the money back, losing my truck, land, and any hope of ever having good credit, and the risk of death from never getting clean again- I am very careful and apprehensive when I get on these “highs”. And even if I make it through this episode without any of those consequences, I will still experience the emotional devastation that comes as my cycle comes full circle. Just like Physics: What goes up must come down.
I take three anti depressant and anti epileptic meds that are prescribed for Bipolar Disorder, and I am WAY better that I was when first diagnosed in 2001, after I got clean and sober and would cry for days on end, after a year of sobriety. The meds make it bearable, and so has years of talk therapy and self education. But this is a devastating illness, and has nearly cost me my life so many times. My mom was my advocate with my mental illness, she was my partner in the fight, the only family member who ever tried to understand and educate herself. Now that she is gone, I find the struggle to be endless, but it will not conquer me.
I have a relationship with the Highest Personage in the Universe now, and He gives me “power beyond what is normal” to endure my affliction. One day very soon Jehovah God will declare it to be time for His son Jesus to wield his mighty sword and do away with the evil one. When He does, it will make way for all sickness to be done away with- and no man or woman will ever have to suffer from mental illness again! How I long for that day!
Hang on tight, we’re almost there!