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What You Made Me Feel (Blue-Eyed Johnny)

A deep abiding sadness, wistfulness… like watching a deer in the meadow, at dusk

just before that shot rings out.

Beauty/ Pain/ heartbreak/ death

Their young faces haunt me, these young men I have not met.

How strange it all was to them: Surreal Landscape, Unreal Assignments-

You must die taking this hill, then let it go…You must kill,kill,kill..

I am with you there, that bap!! Bap!! of rifle fire throwing hunks of wet earth aloft, making pieces of palm frond dance right over your head.

Over my head.

Over Our Head.

I close my eyes and see their eyes glowing in the jungle dark.

I see your eyes Johnny Boy. Your blue, blue American eyes so wide, wide open.

That mix of righteous fear, and unrighteous courage- A big question mark in your smile, the cigarette dangling from your strong, veined hand, an M-16 cradled like a lover in your arms.

If I die, I die a Hero, not a poor man’s son, not a redneck, not a carpenter, not a iron worker, no, not one…

A baby, only three or four, staring up from my daddy’s floor, to a tiny black and white TV,

Nixon’s face is what I see, then the images will start again:

Bombs will fall, flames will leap, soldiers will yell

I will sleep- to the sound of choppers overhead-they evac you while I’m still in my crib.

Can I wipe the blood from your face, with my long brown hair-

Can I pour perfumed oil on your battle scars, my blue-eyed Johnny?

Can I love you tho’ I was not there, my brother, son, lover, friend?…

Won’t that damn war ever end?

(written after a marathon viewing of Vietnam, The Ken Burns documentary on PBS)by Susan T. Martin, October 8,2017, but felt since I saw the images of the Vietnam war on my parent’s TV as far back as I have memory…)(I was born in 1964)

moody

my editor

He Love Us!

Blue Beach Day

the artist, poet, writer, and survivor: S. T. Martin

sunset in paradise

Have No Fear

There are More who are with Us…

These are fearsome times, there is just no getting away from it. The world scene changes minute to minute, second to second. Political upheaval, assassinations, earthquakes in one place after another, deadly plagues and so much death and suffering. It could seem hopeless if a person did not know that there is a God who will soon end the anguish.

I was that person. I knew he was there, I just did not acknowledge him. I did my level best to do everything he condemns, and I was succeeding. That is real fear, knowing you are disobeying the Supreme Ruler, and that soon you will have to make an accounting. But if I did enough cocaine, drank enough Budweiser chased by some Jack with a few pills thrown in (for good measure) I could blow God off for one more day. One more miserable, painful, agonized day. Because, for me, the dope wore off way too quickly. Then in the crushing weight of dawn my pitiable condition was visible even to me, let alone the world.

I saw the fear in these eyes, the self-loathing, the hate. I lashed out at every single person I came in contact with, and I was violent. How violent can a biker chick be? You might ask the dude I beat so bad he crawled under a car to escape. I can still see his face, and it makes me sick, to know how venomous I was. My husband was worse than me, and the two of us joined with groups who were just like us.

Come to think of it, when I watch the news I often see rage and hate filled faces just like mine used to look. But were we meant to look so ugly? Sound so angry? Feel so much hate?

I wonder what the faces of the people who nailed Jesus to a stake looked like. Do you think they looked filled with rage and anger when they yelled at the top of their lungs to Pontius Pilate to execute him?

“To the stake with him!”

The life I was living, the way I felt, the hatred for my fellow man, would I have been in that murderous crowd? Would Jesus have looked on me as I called for him to be killed, the spotless Son of God? The Messiah who God sent to give his life blood as a ransom to pay for all my sins?

I don’t have to wonder. I know God and his only-begotten Son saw my hateful face, every single day I have been on this earth. All 58 years. But the face they see today holds love in her eyes, a light that only began to shine when I turned around, repented, took in accurate knowledge of God’s will and made public declaration that I will serve Him forever.

Oh, what great relief. What a lifting off of weight from my shoulders, stooped shoulders that had carried the burden of hatred and sin for many sad years. Was it hard to change? Yes, in a physical way, it hurt to quit using and drinking-but that pain was brief, and the reward is the best high ever. I thought I would crave the coke, the cigarettes, the drink, forever. But that is not the case. Thru prayer and study of the Bible my compulsions have been lifted, and while I still sin every day I know God will forgive me when I ask and stop whatever I am doing.

The amazing thing is that now that I have learned to love, I have such great love for my heavenly Father that I don’t want to hurt him, ever. I didn’t know my actions actually hurt him, but then I never bothered to learn about the Sovereign of the Universe before. He is Love. He is love.

So, now I am still funny looking, but God’s love makes me beautiful. And this love makes you beautiful to me! I hope some small word of this touches your heart. I hope to see you when this earth is a beautiful place full of humans who love God.

And Round It Goes…

I would not want to be in Afghanistan now. I never did, but I feel so bad for the people there today. There are bad times ahead.

Can you see, now, that what the Bible has been telling us is coming true? I mean, you had to know that the One who has created everything was telling us the truth, right? You knew that, right?

If you have a Bible, now is a good time to get it out and study it. All those prophecies about our time are coming true, and soon the train will be leaving the station. I want you to be on that train with me. Please.

A Day of Rest

(Aren’t They All?)

Ok, I hear ya. Maybe they are, at least during the darkest Pandemic days. I lost 2 friends last week, one to Covid, one to a rare disease. But both were lost the “last enemy”, death. No getting away from it, is there. No… Not at this time.

What does that mean, you ask? Am I just a crazy blogger with mental health issues? Well, yes, the mental illness part is true-but that does not make me crazy. The Bible tells us in no uncertain terms that death will be done away with, in the not-to-distant future! Yay!

You Came a Long Way, Baby Face

Ha! BABY FACE! What? Where?

How quickly the years roll by, years where we thought we’d be forever beautiful, forever young. I have to laugh at the rich and lovely on Social Media. Because whether we are here to see it, or just their peers, death will overtake them. As it overtakes us all, since Satan told the first lie, in The Garden of Eden. Which was, absolutely, a real place.

Sorry to burst your lipo-suctioned and botulism-toxin blown up lips and butts and boobs. Oh! Am I being insensitive and snide? Well…yes. Perhaps I am a wee bit jealous. It’s not the beauty(well, yes it is…), it’s the LOCATIONS!!

OM Heavens to Betsy!!! Where are these places? Where the waters are crystal, the sands are shining like diamonds and the Mega Gazillion Dollar suites look out at nothing but Milky-Way….I though I lived in Paradise?!?

Whoa, Nellie!!! Simmer down, Sister! Fleeting…it’s all fleeting and a striving after the wind. Remember Solomon? As in King Solomon, King David’s son? The guy God blessed with knowledge so vast that even the Queen of Sheba was blown away by it? Solomon was wealthiest man ever to live if you add wisdom to his material value, because, hey, these modern day gigazillionairres don’t have a full deck…just check out that cowboy hat, or listen to the stuck faced golden Marlon Branson dude praise himself for going to space.

But, sigh, I am no better, not even if I pretend to be morally superior. Nope. I am just as sinful, equally unworthy in the eyes of our Creator, Jehovah. I do recognize my God as Almighty Sovereign of the Universe. And His Son as King of God’s Government. So, perhaps in that sense…no, not even then. Because we ALL fall short of the glory of God. All the money, the beauty, the lack thereof…none of it gives us an edge in relation to God Almighty.

True Justice, true balance, true order exists with Jehovah. And the day rushes towards us when we will each have to take our stand, either with our Creator, and the Source of all Life, the very embodiment of Good, Jehovah God.

Or not.

No fence, no tightrope walking, no second guesses…in that day equality ends. Because if you are not on God’s side…then you’re just naught.

And Still We Pressed On…

No rest in sight it seems, this deserted place insists we move thru it, quickly.

My legs burn, my lungs are full of the stuff these tumbleweeds are made of.

The Coyote spoke in hushed words I barely understood,

“Leave you here…”

“…in ten minutes…”

“…to the East..”

“DON’T MAKE A SOUND!”

With that he seemed to fall off the face of the earth without so much as a breeze to make his passing. I squeezed Maria’s cold little hand, the tension running between us like a harmonic on a fretboard. She had to make it. There was no other thought allowed to enter my head.

I crouched over her , the night air so crisp it felt like my breath would shatter it , counting to ten, or fifteen. Checking my compass one more time I bundled Maria up and tucked her like a solid gold football against my abdomen, then I let loose. Using legs that had kicked ten thousand soccer goals I leapt out of the undergrowth, tearing across a gravel road that seemed fifty yards long, but in reality was less than 5.

My worn out sneakers shot gravel out behind me, it sounded like cannon fire and my rushing blood roared like thunder in my ears. I gripped Maria tighter, willing the Border Agents to look the other way with every step. I saw the blue flash of their truck lights thru the broken stalks of corn, imagined to hounds of hell at my heels.

MI Dios,I prayed, please! For Maria for Maria for Maria…

The field was more dense now, cover better…I tried to imagine the Coyote’s voice.

“After you run 2 kilometers lie down at the edge of the culvert…”

Two kilometers… a culvert…in the blackness I saw nothing-then the low cement wall hit my shin mid stride, sending a white bolt of pain shooting to my brain. I felt my precious bundle break free of my grasp, my forward momentum sending her in a gentle arch ten feet to my right. An ‘ooof’ burst thru my lips, but I still thought we would be ok, Maria was bundled in a blue blanket I found the day before. Arms outstretched and at full body extension I watched the blue blur till my head hit the ground. As the light left my eyes I remember hearing a tiny splash…hmmm, sounded like a trout jumping…a pretty blue and silver trout, like the last one Papi caught before he disappeared…it was going to taste…so…goo…

The Good Works

Hello again dear friends…I have come to the close of another day, which is a battle won. I’ve figured out how to feel better as I undergo changes to myvpsychiatric meds… I have been SUPER sick since they put me on a new med and had me stop one I’ve been on for 20 years… Well, today I quit the new med abpnd feel 1000 times better!

Perhaps I will have to go back to the new regimen at some point, but looking up the new medicine online I found it reacts poorly to 6, yes 6, if my other prescriptions! Ah, well…

I have been making many mistakes in my efforts to live more like the Bible advises… This is my natural state as a human, I know. I’m trying just to dust myself off, rather than beat myself up, but I spent my life learning hatred and doubt. It is a challenge. But the One who created me knows I am dust, and He loves me. He pats me on my head and stands me back on my feet to try again,

I’m grateful today and enjoyed a moonlit walk with my Cleo and Frenchie. We enjoyed the full Moon. No one is out in the wee hours, so we had the street to ourselves. It’s so lovely,the night. I was hoping to hear the owls, but not tonight. As I neared the creek and the pond I heard the bullfrogs. They are in full throated session, sending out their love calls in croaking unison.

More tomorrow… Keep pushing on, my friends, it won’t be long now.

Cha-cha-cha Changes…

We’re back at the beginning, aren’t we? Well, that’s fairly fitting, I feel mentally at a starting point, too. Readjusting my Mania-controlling medicine is akin to stepping into a 1990’s heavy metal concert without earplugs. As the seratonin levels plummet I am besieged by psychedelic brain images, no doubt fueled by long-stunted neurons awakening. Other interesting awakenings include a primal libido attack and tingling skin sensations, mostly on my arms, driving me to scratch them till they bleed. Ah the wonders of throwing pharmaceuticals at invisible, and wonderfully terrifying mental health afflictions!

If helping me get some sleep was part of the psychiatrist’s goals he failed to reach it. I have been awake with my heart pounding for nigh on a week, oddly though I don’t feel confused…(she said while devouring her 6th granola bar and preparing to suck down a lemon ice and 2 of containers applesauce!) I will keep thus short, I still have to get ready for bed…Keep yourself in God’s love

I’m in a New Zoo zone!

…”It’s OK, you are just very energetic…”

Hello friends! I haven’t been writing much, I was changed to some new psychiatric meds for my Bipolar Disorder and they have really thrown me off! Living alone as I do, and staying isolated has left me coping by myself, although I did share my situation with a few brothers and sisters who I’m very close to. I have been experiencing huge bouts of mania in the past 6 months or more, and while that boosts my creativity exponentially, it was destroying me emotionally. And physically.

Truly, it’s like having the angel on one shoulder and the little guy in the red suit on the other saying, ” It’s OK, you are just very energetic…” and ” Look how much art you are creating, this is excellent…” ” You will make so much money!…”

Yeah, right after I fall over and have a stroke or some other terrible thing. Let alone focusing all my efforts on material stuff instead of what is Truly, TRULY important. We know what that is, because things are rushing along, aren’t they. That has much to do with why I finally got honest with my therapist and my psychiatrist. I need to rest, eat, keep a relatively ‘normal’ schedule so I don’t miss my meetings, so I can think clearly and benefit from my studies.

I am dealing with some disturbing side effects from the new regimen. Worst is the itching, my arms itch me something terrible. The research I have done suggests its got to do with my seretonin levels, which is odd cause he is reducing my Zoloft and trazodone drastically and increasing my lamotrigine to the max (slowly). I’m really trying to follow the new regimen to a T, but its tough when I feel like I’m tripping.

The Sunday lesson really helped, the scriptures hit home and tied in with the new update. I know nothing can separate me from God’s love, so I am hanging on tight. I wish you peace where ever you are, and keeping you close in prayer. There is a saying I have often heard that may bring some cheer : “It won’t be long now!”, said the little dog when his tail was cut off… Well, maybe it’s not a good saying unless you imagine that losing his tail was totally painless!

We might have to experience some pain on our journey, but there is truth in the saying, ” IT WON’T BE LONG NOW.”

peace, brothers.

The Bitter(Sweet)

Hello my wayward friend. You made it here, to this dusty, cobwebby little blog. I am truly glad you did, because I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Not at all! Hang out if you want to, there’s some stuff to read and some pics to look at.

But I’m moving everything over to Out of the Gutter Art, my other Artist Blog. So , c’mon over when you get thru here!

See Ya!

Fear of Falling and Failing

“…riding this unending wave of…unrealistic optimism…delusions of grandeur…”

I had been manic for over a week after sharing my art in a sexual assault survivors show, and talking to people there. There are times when I forget what lurks just under the surface, because I have been way off center since then. Of all things, I was so high the night of the show that I went next door to this Huge sculpture shop and blabbed about myself and how I want to sculpt (which I do), and introducing myself th the owner. He was very kind and personable, and sent me to talk to his designer, who was also very kind, very charismatic and really got me wanting to work in a shop again.

Flashback #937, mixed media on canvas ©SusanTMartin2017

I got a wee bit off the beam, though. I came home and started writing a grant proposal while simultaneously applying to this famous sculpture artist’s shop, while also offering to be an apprentice, and messaging the director in a crazily familiar manner… Whew! I am mortified when I think about it. Not only was I manic that day, I was on a roll for days and days, seemingly riding this unending wave of optimism. Unrealistic optimism, which I do believe is called delusions of grandeur.

Ah well, I guess I have a lot to be grateful for, I am clean and sober today so I didn’t try to seduce anyone, or get drunk and puke on anyone! Yes, that is a huge thing to be grateful about, because 21 years ago I had serious regrets after a night out. Oh boy. How easy to forget how far I’ve come!

I know now that I never have to go back to being an addict or an alcoholic, but how dare I ever forget this gift of sobriety. I know in the rooms of AA we would talk about keeping it fresh…I’m glad I’m writing to you now or I may not have remembered to be grateful. “Out of the mire and the sediment… You put my feet on a crag…a new song in my mouth…praise to our God!”

I just heaved a great big sigh of relief, that all I have today is a gift, and I have so, so much more than I could ever deserve. To breathe to cool night air, to reflect on a day well lived, with a soft bed to sleep in and warm food in my belly. There was a different time back then- but it’s time to walk away from that wreckage in my mind. Pack it all back up into the little ammo can it lives in, bury it deep in the earth and let it dissolve into nothingness. I know that one day the memories will never hurt me again, and I will keep pushing on until that day comes.

Peace to you, my friends.